


The Exceedingly Difficult Opening Up of Tsukishima Kei

by Q_loves_you



Series: This Self-Indulgent Nonsense [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst and Fluff, Anxiety, Bullying, Homophobia, I'm sorry?, M/M, Panic Attacks, Swearing, lots of gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-06
Updated: 2016-02-03
Packaged: 2018-05-12 06:46:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 28,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5656510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Q_loves_you/pseuds/Q_loves_you
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"The recognition of those feelings for what they were could probably be blamed on the Karasuno Volleyball Club. Most problems in his life could be blamed on them.</p><p>The fact that he was hopelessly in love with his best friend and now had to <i>think about it</i>…yeah, definitely on them."</p><p>In which I take every headcanon, trope, and terrible situation I can think of and smash them together into this beautiful mess of a fic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“Tsukki, are you ok?”

He was not ok. He was very, very far from ok.

“I’m fine.” His chest felt like it was being squeezed and compressed by some weird force, and even though he could see it moving and hear his breathing, he couldn’t seem to get enough air. “I...I need to sit.”

Yamaguchi nodded, eyes wide and concerned in a way that Kei couldn’t quite understand. They were still in sight of the school, but their teammates had already left them behind or turned to go another way. It was just them now, sitting on the grassy slope next to the sidewalk. Two middle school boys stopping on their way home for whatever reason, sitting in the grass and probably getting their uniforms dirty. Most likely no one would look twice at them. Kei still felt like he was under a spotlight. He wanted to be home, home in his room with Akiteru at his side rubbing his shoulders because it was okay if it was Akiteru touching him. But he wasn’t, and he wasn’t sure if Akiteru touching him was okay anymore. He hadn’t really tried.

“Tsukki, what should I do?”

Yamaguchi was there, though. And Kei didn’t understand that at all. Yamaguchi shouldn’t still be there, should have left long ago, shouldn’t still be attached to him. But he had stayed, and now he was sitting by Kei’s side while Kei tried and failed not to have a panic attack. Kei wanted to answer him, but he didn’t know the answer, and he didn’t know if he could find the air to say it.

“Can I touch you?”

If Kei’s breath hadn’t already been stuttering, it would have stuttered. Could Yamaguchi touch him? He tried to think. Excessive touching over a long practice was what had gotten him into this state in the first place. He didn’t like people in his personal space. But...it was Yamaguchi. Yamaguchi might be an exception. He nodded.

Yamaguchi put a tentative hand on his shoulder, and when Kei didn’t flinch or throw him off, he squeezed gently. Kei took a breath that almost filled his lungs. This was good. Yamaguchi started rubbing circles on his back, and Kei breathed again. It wasn’t stopping the panic or the shaking, but it helped. He wasn’t floating or falling into empty, airless nothing. Yamaguchi was there, quiet and steadily present. Grounding him.

It took a while for Kei to calm down completely. Even Yamaguchi’s help couldn’t actually stop a panic attack. When he was finally able to stand up, he did so, and Yamaguchi did too.

“Thanks,” he said quietly, “Sorry about that.”

“Don’t apologize, it’s fine. I mean, it’s not fine that you were hurting, but it’s not your fault, you know?”

Kei shrugged. Technically he knew that it wasn’t his fault.That didn’t stop him from feeling bad about it. “I guess. It was just...people were very touchy today. The team was, I mean. Not sure why. But it felt like they were all really close today, and it’s...things have been a bit harder lately.” He glanced up at Yamaguchi’s face and knew he had understood that to mean ‘since Akiteru.’ “It isn’t usually that bad. But you helped.”

Yamaguchi smiled a little. “I’m glad. Is there anything else I can do to help if it happens again?”

He sounded so honest, so genuinely eager to assist like he always did, that Kei couldn’t help a tiny smile too. “Sometimes it gets too loud, and I use my headphones. They usually help. But I don’t know if there’s anything else.” They started walking again, and the part of Kei’s mind that wasn’t thinking about how amazing it was that Yamaguchi was still walking next to him wondered how they would explain the delay getting home. He didn’t want to tell his parents he’d had a panic attack. They hadn’t really talked about it, because his mother would fuss and his father would make it a big family meeting or something. He had been content to just go to Akiteru when things got bad and let him help.

But now, selfish as it was, he had Yamaguchi, and he was so grateful that he gave him his dessert at lunch the next day.

***

Kei didn’t notice the way his feelings changed over the years. It happened gradually. Not being gay in general, that he had figured out when he was twelve. The other feelings. More specific ones. The recognition of those feelings for what they were could probably be blamed on the Karasuno Volleyball Club. Most problems in his life could be blamed on them.

The fact that he was hopelessly in love with his best friend and now had to _think about it_ …yeah, definitely on them.

He never would have noticed if he hadn’t turned to say something to Yamaguchi and found himself facing thin air. He wouldn’t have realized if he hadn’t heard that stupid giggle-snort from the other end of the gym where Yamaguchi was talking to Tanaka and Nishinoya. He might have lived his entire life in blissful ignorance if it weren’t for them.

As it was, he simply put his jacket on and waited for Yachi with the rest of them. He didn’t pose for her, but Yamaguchi was the only one who seemed to notice.

So he was in love with Yamaguchi. That…didn’t change anything really. He had been for a while, now that he realized it. How could he not be? Yamaguchi was…Yamaguchi. As to whether or not Kei would do anything about it, well, that was a no-brainer. Yamaguchi didn’t deserve that. By all rights, he should have abandoned Kei years ago. Kei had certainly given him reason enough. But he was selfishly, awfully happy that it hadn’t worked. This changed nothing except Kei could now fantasize about what a life with Yamaguchi could be like. Not that it would ever happen.

He would never fall asleep with Yamaguchi’s arms around him, never give him good morning kisses on a lazy Sunday. They wouldn’t dance in the kitchen at three in the morning or go on dates or hold hands walking home. Because that would be unacceptably selfish. Yamaguchi deserved someone better, someone who wouldn’t tell him to shut up or go away, who wouldn’t be embarrassed to hold hands in public. He deserved someone he could brag about and who would brag about him too.

He didn’t respond much to Yamaguchi’s chatter on their walk home that day, but Yamaguchi didn’t seem to mind.

*** 

The Tokyo Training Camp Trip was much more of a hassle than it needed to be. Spending that much time playing volleyball and being around Yamaguchi (who insisted on being freakin’ adorable all the time) and the rest of the team was exhausting. He didn’t want to do extra practice. It was pointless. He had learned that years ago.

“TSUKKIIIIII!”

Yamaguchi was running after him, but he looked different somehow. Almost angry.

“Since we were kids, you’ve dealt with everything in such a smart, cool way that it always left me jealous.”

Kei stared. Yamaguchi shouldn’t be jealous of that, but he supposed it made sense anyway. “What’s your point?”

“THE WAY YOU’VE BEEN LATELY IS REALLY PATHETIC!”

Pathetic?

“HINATA JUST MIGHT BECOME A “SMALL GIANT” SOMEDAY. BUT EVEN IF THAT HAPPENS, YOU COULD STILL BEST HIM!”

As if.

“WHY NOT USE YOUR SKILLS TO PROVE THAT YOU’RE A MORE INCREDIBLE PLAYER THAN HE IS!!”

I’m not.

“EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVE HEIGHT, BRAINS, AND INTUITION, WHY DO YOU END UP DRAWING A LINE WHERE “ANYTHING BEYOND THAT POINT IS IMPOSSIBLE”!?”

Kei glared down at Yamaguchi as he finished shouting. How could he possibly explain it in a way Yamaguchi would understand? Why did Yamaguchi care so much?

“…If, for example, I put in an incredible amount of work and became Karasuno’s foremost player, _then what_?” he said, “If, by some chance, we were able to make it to the Nationals, _**then what**_? There will always be something bigger and better. Even if you get a decent result, you’ll never be able to become “the best.” You’ll fall short somewhere.” It was the truth. There would always be someone better. Why try so hard for something unachievable? “Despite knowing that, just what sort of motivation is driving all of you to keep at it!?”

It was the question he had been burning to ask for days, maybe even months or years. _Why do you care so much?_

“ _Motivation_?” Yamaguchi glared up at him. In a movement Kei never would have expected, he suddenly grabbed the front of Kei’s shirt and stepped into his personal space. Up close, Kei couldn’t help but stare at the burning look in his eyes, the passion he had never understood. “WHAT MORE DO YOU NEED THAN PRIDE!!!?”

Kei stood there, immobile, as Yamaguchi relaxed his grip and stepped back slightly, breathing heavily. Yamaguchi had yelled at him. Yamaguchi was angry…at him. _Yamaguchi_ was lecturing _him_ about _pride_.

“I never thought I’d see the day…” he muttered. “Just when did you become such a cool guy?”

Yamaguchi looked unnecessarily surprised. Was Kei really that much of an asshole or Yamaguchi that insecure?

“You’re really cool,” Kei repeated for emphasis. “Still, I can’t agree with that.”

Yamaguchi’s face fell. Pride was all well and good for some people, but pride alone wouldn’t make Kei work at volleyball. In his experience it was only damaged by this kind of thing.

“I’m going to go ask.” He left Yamaguchi looking curiously after him, but right now he had to deal with Kuroo and Bokuto.

Bokuto’s explanation made sense. Kei still didn’t know if that moment existed for him, but working on blocks with those three made him think it could.

***

The bus ride to the next school was short, but Kei didn’t like bus rides, so it was bad enough. It didn’t help that the rest of the team was feeling rowdier than usual. Yamaguchi even seemed livelier than he normally was. Traitor. At least for the first half of the ride, Kei had had his headphones. Now his iPod was dead, and he felt like he must be heading in the same direction.

“Tsukishima!” Hinata yelled from the seat right behind him. Kei glowered. Yamaguchi suppressed a giggle. “Give me your glasses!” Hinata said, holding out his hands.

“What? No. I don’t want them contaminated.”

“Come on, Tsukishima! I want to see what I’d look like with glasses!” Hinata whined. He made a grab for them, but Kei dodged and smacked his hands away. Unfortunately, his dodge brought him close to Tanaka, who had been sitting in front of him.

“Haha! Got ‘em!” Tanaka shoved the glasses onto his own face. “Geez, Tsukishima, your eyesight is terrible!”

“Ryuu, you look ridiculous!” Nishinoya said, laughing loudly.

“Oh yeah? You think you’d wear them better?”

Tanaka passed the glasses to Nishinoya, and there was a moment of silence before Tanaka burst into hysterical laughter.

“You look so stupid!”

“Ryuu!”

“I wanna try!” Hinata said, reaching over Kei.

Kei sighed. This was ridiculous.

Hinata put his glasses on and grinned. “How do I look?”

Kei fixed him with his best deadpan glare. “Blurry. Can I have them back now?”

“No! Kageyama has to try!”

In the end, everyone on the bus had to try on Kei’s glasses. There were a couple attempts to get Shimizu to pass hers around too, but she declined. No one really felt like asking Takeda. And of course, there were the endless questions.

“How many fingers am I holding up?”

“Four.”

Nishinoya scrambled towards the front of the bus. “How many now?”

“This is stupid.”

“How many?”

“Three.”

“Four again! Ha! Wow, you’re so blind!”

“Can you see that pole?”

“Yes.”

“Can you read that sign?”

“No.”

Finally, Narita passed the glasses to Yamaguchi. Kei didn’t know why he was surprised when Yamaguchi put them on.

“Well, Tsukki?”

Kei narrowed his eyes slightly. Yamaguchi blinked innocently up at him. It was _adorable_.

“Shut up, Yamaguchi.”

“Sorry, Tsukki!” Yamaguchi said, not sounding sorry at all. And finally, Kei put his glasses back on. He was _not_ going to blush.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if this was totally clear: I've expanded the training camp arc so that they get an extra two days for me to torture Tsukki. :)

The next school to host the training camp was Fukurodani, and it was huge. Each team had their own set of rooms, and there was a cafeteria for all the teams to share dinner. 

Kei woke up the next morning to giggling and what sounded like cameras. It was way too early for this, but he opened his eyes anyway, reaching around for his glasses.

“You woke him up!” someone whispered, sounding annoyed. It sounded like…Hinata? Ugh.

He found his glasses and shoved them on, already glaring at the ring of people around him.

“Morning, Tsukishima!” Hinata said innocently, which only made Kei more suspicious. Hinata, Kageyama, Nishinoya, Tanaka, and the entire team except Yamaguchi were standing around looking amused and embarrassed.

Then he realized that there was a weight on his chest and looked down. Yamaguchi had draped himself across Kei during the night and was drooling on Kei’s shirt. It had happened often enough before, mostly when they were children sleeping in Kei’s bed because they were too lazy to set up a futon for Yamaguchi. It was normally quite comfortable, and he had to admit (to himself only) that he _really_ didn’t mind. But this….

“Gross, get off, Yamaguchi!” Kei snapped, sitting up abruptly and shoving Yamaguchi off.

“Sorry, Tsukki!” he mumbled on reflex. But Kei was already shoving his way through Tanaka and Kageyama to get to the bathroom.

He could already tell it was a Bad Day. And he had been doing so well lately too. But it was unlikely anything would happen today to make it much worse. He heard Kageyama shouting from the next room. Well, as unlikely as it ever was with Karasuno at a training camp.

***

Tadashi put down his water bottle. Practice matches were over for the day, and Karasuno had done well. Now it was time for individual practice. He was hoping to practice serve and block attacks with Tsukki, though he wasn’t sure exactly how they would do that. Perhaps Bokuto and Kuroo would be willing to help. Maybe even Akaashi. They all seemed fond of Tsukki. He turned to suggest this to Tsukki and was met with an empty space. Oh. He looked around. Tsukki was talking to Kuroo while they put away the net. Tadashi took a step forward and then stopped. There was something…weird about their body language.

As he watched, Kuroo leaned into Tsukki’s space. Tadashi couldn’t see Kuroo’s face, but Tsukki’s was faintly pink. Even his expression of cold indifference was different from usual, almost flustered. Not that anyone else would be able to tell probably, but Tadashi had been studying Tsukki’s facial expressions for years.

He couldn’t hear exactly what was being said, but he got the idea. He expected to laugh. Tsukki usually acted so cool that whenever someone got under his skin to reveal his inner dork, Tadashi had to laugh at him. But he didn’t this time. Kuroo flirting with Tsukki was…weird. Tsukki didn’t react like that to the girls at Karasuno. Tadashi had actually never seen anyone get to Tsukki the way Kuroo was doing now.

He turned away. They could practice together some other time. He could still practice serves on his own. Nishinoya was usually happy to receive for him, and if he was busy, Tadashi could ask Nekoma’s libero instead. Or someone. It was fine. (Tsukki might have _told_ Tadashi he was gay, not that he’d actually hidden it either, looking back. And to be fair, Tadashi had never _told_ Tsukki he was bi, but he thought he had been pretty obvious about it. Tsukki might have said _something_.)

***

“Hey, Tsukishima.” There were five of them in the locker room. Kei, Kageyama, Hinata, Tanaka, and Nishinoya. The rest were off somewhere doing something. Kei wasn’t sure what. Tanaka sounded confrontational, which was a good sign that Kei was in for trouble. Perhaps if he just ignored him…

“Oiii. Tsukishima, what’s your problem?” Apparently ignoring him wasn’t going to work. Kei rolled his eyes and turned around. Most of his stuff was packed up and ready to go. His headphones were around his neck. He knew the way back to their room. Easy escape.

“What?” he said shortly. Tanaka and Nishinoya were both glaring at him. Kageyama was glaring too, but he usually was. Hinata just looked suspicious. Interesting.

“Stop being an asshole to Yamaguchi!” Nishinoya said, “You’ve been extra shitty lately! Even if you don’t feel the same way, you could try not to make him feel even worse!”

Kei remained expressionless. “What do you mean?”

“Oh come on!” Nishinoya said, “Even Kageyama can tell he likes you. So stop flirting with other people in front of him. He doesn’t deserve that. And you way over-reacted this morning.”

“What flirting?” Kei said blankly. He hadn’t been flirting with anyone. Kuroo had been flirting with him, but that wasn’t at all the same.

“You and Kuroo-san were standing right in front of him!” Tanaka said loudly, and ugh this was too many people yelling in way too small a space.

“I wasn’t flirting with him.” He weighed the possibility of simply putting his headphones on and walking away, but they were between him and the door. “He was flirting with me,” he added, hoping that might explain and possibly get him off the hook.

It didn’t work. “You should’ve told him to stop.”

“Is this really any of your business?”

Tanaka took a step closer and Kei leaned back slightly. “It is when you hurt Yamaguchi!”

Kei did his best not to flinch, which did not seem to go over well with the others.

“You don’t even care, do you?” Hinata said angrily. Which, okay, was the impression he had been trying to give. It still stung that they found it so easy to believe. He’d thought they’d…bonded or something. Sort of. A little, anyway.

“Let me guess, you think he doesn’t deserve you or something?” Kageyama said scathingly.

“Yes.” _Yamaguchi deserves better_. Before Tanaka could do more than yell and grab the front of his shirt, the door opened and Daichi and Suga entered. Great, more people.

“What’s going on in here?” Daichi asked in full captain voice.

“Tsukishima’s a jerk is what!” Nishinoya said immediately.

Daichi and Suga both looked at Kei with disappointed expressions that made him want to hurl, especially in this already crowded environment with Tanaka’s fist at his chest.

“Tsukishima?” Daichi said as if he was already anticipating the headache this would cause. And it wasn’t fair, this wasn’t Kei’s fault, he couldn’t help it if Yamaguchi was an idiot who cared too much about him. He needed his music, needed to _leave this crowded, noisy locker room because this was not a good time_. But the bastards were blocking the doorway, so instead he shoved his hands in his pockets and glowered.

“Tsukishima, what’s going on?” Suga said, more kindly than Daichi, but just as stern.

“Ask them, they started it,” Kei said petulantly. He knew it was childish, but if it would get Tanaka out of his space, he didn’t care.

“Tanaka, let go,” Daichi said, and Tanaka released Kei and turned around, “Now someone explain why you were all shouting.”

“Tsukishima thinks he’s too good for Yamaguchi,” Kageyama said.

“He was flirting with Nekoma’s creepy captain right in front of him!” Nishinoya chimed in, “So we were telling him to stop toying with our kouhai.”

“Plus he’s always a jerk to Yamaguchi anyway,” Hinata said, “Even though they’re supposed to be best friends!”

Kei had thought Daichi and Suga looked disappointed before, but that was nothing compared to how they looked now. Tanaka was still less than a foot away from Kei, with Nishinoya not much farther. Hinata and Kageyama flanked them while Daichi and Suga stood in the doorway.

“I wasn’t flirting with Kuroo-san,” Kei said, choosing to ignore the rest of the accusations.

“No, you were just letting him flirt with you _right in front of Yamaguchi_ ,” Tanaka said.

“Well, unlike some people, he’s actually good at flirting,” Kei said derisively, and then because he was already pissed off, “Even Shimizu-san would have trouble telling him to stop.”

Tanaka and Nishinoya lunged for him with twin yells of fury, and Kei pressed back against the lockers. Ok, not his best idea ever.

“Tanaka! Nishinoya!” Suga said sharply, and they backed off, still fuming.

Kei took full advantage of their distance to make a break for the door, but Daichi stood in his way.

“Tsukishima, why would you say something like that about Yamaguchi?” he asked, folding his arms.

“I didn’t say anything,” Kei ground out, but Nishinoya interrupted.

“Like hell you didn’t!” he spat, “You said you didn’t think Yamaguchi deserved you! And you know what, you’re right,” he added, “He deserves better!”

Kei looked at him, hesitating. He couldn’t just say it, couldn’t stand to imagine the looks on their faces if he did. But as he hesitated, he heard Suga’s sharp intake of breath, saw Tanaka’s eyes widen. Crap. His chest felt tight and his hands were shaking and sweating.

“I have to go,” he said, turning back to the door. And to his surprise and the captain’s, Suga pulled Daichi out of the way with a warning look at the rest of them. Kei did his best not to run out of the locker room.

The locker room was silent for a few moments after Tsukishima left. Then Suga sighed and shook his head.

“You are all hopeless,” he said, “I’ll go talk to him. Just…finish up and get ready for dinner. Oh, and don’t tell Yamaguchi about this just yet.”

“Why not?”

“I have a feeling he won’t appreciate it.”

***

Kei put on his headphones and kept his eyes forward, ignoring Kuroo and Bokuto and anyone else who tried to stop him. He wasn’t sure where Yamaguchi had gone, but he was grateful he didn’t run into him, because Yamaguchi would immediately recognize the state Kei was in. Kei wasn’t prepared to deal with that.

The headphones were helping. Music blocked out everything else, simultaneously wrapping him up and releasing him in a way he had never satisfactorily explained to anyone. Still, there was too much and he needed somewhere quiet and empty to calm down. He found the building where they were staying, but instead of going inside, he went around to the back and sat down near some trees.

“Fuck,” he whispered into his knees, “Fuck, fuck, fuck.” He did his best to slow down his breathing and clear his mind.

“Oho! There you are, Tsukki!” Kei looked up as Bokuto approached. “You walked right past me and Kuroo, so – hey, what’s wrong with you?”

“Nothing,” Kei said, turning back to his knees. But Bokuto was louder than his music, and it would probably be counter-productive to turn up the volume obviously.

“Aww, don’t give me that. You didn’t even make a sarcastic comment when Kuroo asked you to come practice with us. He left you so many options for a good come-back too.”

“Hm.”

Bokuto squatted down and put his hands on Kei’s knees. Kei twitched, trying to suppress a real flinch, and Bokuto drew back, staring and now looking seriously concerned.

“Hey, Tsukki, what’s wrong?”

“I said it’s nothing.”

“You’re breathing weirdly. And you’re sitting on the ground back here when there are loads better options nearby.”

“Wanted to be alone,” Kei said pointedly.

Bokuto frowned. “Something happened.”

“Nothing happened.”

“You’re lying.”

“Shut up! Just…give me some space.”

Bokuto shuffled back a few centimeters and waited, surprisingly patient. Kei closed his eyes and took several deep breaths. When he opened his eyes again, Bokuto was still there, fidgeting.

“Do you want me to get someone? Your captain or sensei or something?”

“No! No, I…it’s fine.” And he was actually feeling much better. His hands weren’t trembling nearly as much and his breathing had evened out. “It just…happens sometimes. I’m fine.” He took his headphones off so they hung around his neck.

“This just happens sometimes?” Bokuto repeated incredulously, and Kei nodded. “Well, does Daichi-san know?”

“No.”

“What if it happened in the middle of a match or something?”

“It won’t.”

“How do you know?”

“Well, I have such supportive, loving teammates at my back, of course,” Kei said bitterly before he could stop himself.

Bokuto frowned. “Aren’t they?”

“What?”

“Supportive? Loving might be a stretch.”

Kei glared.

“So it is something with your teammates. Do you want me to get Kuroo? He knows them better.”

“That is about the last thing I want you to do.” Kei sighed. “Just…don’t tell anyone. I’m fine.”

“Dude, that’s such a lie,” Bokuto said, moving to sit next to Kei. “Come on, tell senpai what’s happening.”

“No. I’m going back inside. See you at dinner.” Kei stood up, but Bokuto followed him.

“Come on, Tsukki. You need to talk to someone. And if it can’t be your teammates, and you don’t want it to be Kuroo, it should be me!”

“Stop calling me Tsukki.”

“Why? That freckled kid on your team calls you that all the time.”

Kei opened his mouth to respond, but as they approached the door, someone called out to them.

“Tsukishima!” They turned. It was Suga. “Oh, Bokuto-san, I need to talk to Tsukishima. Sorry if I’m interrupting.”

Bokuto waved a hand dismissively. “Maybe you’ll get further with him. He won’t tell me anything. Bye Tsukishima!” He nodded to Suga, thumped Kei on the shoulder, and left.


	3. Chapter 3

Kei stood awkwardly by the door, waiting for Suga to say something.

“We should probably go sit down,” Suga said after a moment, and Kei agreed reluctantly. They found a couple of chairs inside where the team would have spent free time if they had any and sat down so that they were almost facing each other.

“So, do you want to tell me what’s going through your head?” Suga asked.

“No.”

“How about why you ran off so suddenly? Is it because of what Nishinoya said?”

“No,” Kei said automatically, and when Suga looked disbelieving, he frowned. “Not entirely. It just wasn’t a good time for a confrontation.”

Suga raised his eyebrows. “Is there ever a good time to be confronted by Tanaka and Nishinoya?”

Kei almost smiled at that. Almost. “There are better times and worse times. I...have worse times. And certain situations are worse too. Like that one.”

“Oh.” Suga nodded thoughtfully.

“You and Daichi-san were blocking the door.”

“Is it claustrophobia?” Suga asked. Kei shook his head. 

“Not exactly. It’s…situations I can’t get out of. And it’s also crowds, I think. Being stuck in a crowded space, especially when I wasn’t expecting it, and I was already feeling bad in general today.” He wasn’t sure how Suga was making him tell him all of this, but he was ready for it to stop any time now.

“Is there any way the team can help?”

“No,” Kei said abruptly, “No, I don’t want…I don’t want to tell them.”

“Tsukishima, it’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

“I’m not ashamed,” Kei protested, but it didn’t ring true to him. “I just don’t want anyone to know.”

Suga looked skeptical, but he nodded. “I won’t tell anyone. But I think you should. It could make things a lot easier for you.”

_Or it could give them even more reasons and ways to – no._

“Maybe,” he said, “But I have my music, and…I’ll be fine.”

Before Suga could respond, the door opened in the next room, and they could hear the rest of the team returning before dinner. Kei stood up.

“Don’t want to be late,” he said, and slipped in to join the others.

Suga shook his head and sighed deeply. He would keep his word about not telling the others, but they needed a talking-to anyway. He would have to find a way to confront them during dinner without Tsukishima finding out.

It actually had to wait until after dinner when they were helping clean up. Kageyama and Hinata finished their mop race and were just putting them away. After a quick glance around to see if Tsukishima was nearby, Suga approached.

“Kageyama, Hinata, can I have a word?” Without waiting for a response, he led them off to the side. “I just wanted to talk to you about this afternoon. I know you don’t get along with Tsukishima very well, but you shouldn’t gang up on him like that.”

They both looked shocked. “But he was being mean to Yamaguchi!” Hinata said.

Suga smiled one of his more dangerous smiles. “In that case, you should tell me or Daichi. I know Tanaka and Nishinoya took the lead on this, and I’ll talk to them too. But that kind of confrontation isn’t good for the team. We’ve all worked hard to get as unified as we are now. Tsukishima included.”

“But…”

“Maybe try trusting Yamaguchi’s judgement,” Suga suggested. “He’s known Tsukishima longer than you have. Okay?”

Hinata and Kageyama nodded, looking sufficiently scolded.

“Okay, let’s finish up with this cleaning and go to bed!”

He caught Tanaka and Nishinoya while the first years were bathing. Literally caught. They were on their way back to the room, dawdling behind the other second years, and Suga came up behind them and grabbed them by the shoulders.

“Tanaka! Nishinoya! I need to talk to you!” Both of them looked terrified. _Good._

“What’s the matter, Suga-san?” Nishinoya asked carefully.

Suga put on his best lecturing face. “You shouldn’t gang up on Tsukishima like that.”

“What?” Nishinoya said instantly, “But he was-”

“I don’t care,” Suga said, “He’s your teammate, whether you like him or not. I expect better of you.”

Tanaka and Nishinoya looked very uncomfortable. “Uh…yes. But he was being mean to Yamaguchi,” Tanaka said, “Even though I think he was trying to say that he thinks Yamaguchi deserves better than him at the end there…”

“Eh? He was?”

Suga nodded. “I think so. But he won’t tell me anything about it.”

“But how were we supposed to know that? And what’s it mean?” Nishinoya asked despairingly, “All we could see was him being a jerk to our kouhai!”

“Maybe you should try being senpai for all the first years, not just the easy ones,” Suga snapped. Tanaka and Nishinoya looked stricken. Suga nodded. “Tsukishima is hard to get along with, and he doesn’t open up easily. But it’s even harder if you don’t try.”

“Sorry, Suga-san!” they murmured, heads bowed.

“Apologize to Tsukishima, not me,” Suga said, “But first it’s time for bed, don’t you think?” He led the way back.

When they got back to their room, Daichi pulled Suga aside.

“I didn’t get a chance to ask before. Did you talk to Tsukishima?”

Suga sighed. And they’d thought Hinata and Kageyama would be the troublesome first years. Well, they were. But still. “Yes.”

“What did he say?”

“Nothing I’m allowed to repeat.”

“Even to me?”

“Sorry, Daichi. He’s not a very open person. It was difficult enough getting him to talk to just me. I think he’s feeling unusually vulnerable right now, and he has some insecurities he needs to work through.”

Daichi raised his eyebrows. “Really? He never seems to lack confidence.”

Suga shrugged. “Not everyone is what they seem.”

***

Tadashi was concerned about Tsukki. Normally when Tsukki’s anxiety was acting up, they spent more time together, but today they had spent most of their time apart. And something felt strange about the way Tsukki was, or more accurately, wasn’t, interacting with the others. He had been even quieter than usual at dinner, despite Bokuto and Kuroo’s attempts to provoke him. Or talk to him, it was never entirely clear with those two. Normally, Tadashi prided himself on being able to read his best friend pretty well, but this evening he had no idea what was wrong. Aside from the obvious anxiety, but that shouldn’t have caused this. Worst of all, Tsukki seemed to be avoiding him. In fact, he seemed to be avoiding everyone. A difficult feat when they were all living in the same space. But as soon as they finished bathing, Tsukki put his headphones on, pulled out a book, and ignored everyone.

There was nothing to be done when Tsukki got like this, so Tadashi simply made sure he had a pillow to hold so he wouldn’t end up snuggling Tsukki again. However nice it was, it had obviously bothered Tsukki, so Tadashi would do his best not to repeat it. The team gradually settled in for the night, and soon Nishinoya’s and Daichi’s snores filled the room. The only other sounds were the others’ soft breathing and rustling, and the occasional turn of a page of Tsukki’s book. If Tadashi concentrated, he could hear an occasional whisper of music from his headphones too.

***

Ryuu woke up in the middle of night with a very full bladder. He got up, tiptoed to the bathroom, came back, and stopped on his way to bed. Tsukishima had fallen asleep with his headphones on. On closer inspection, it turned out that he also had his glasses on and had left a book lying open on his chest. Ryuu’s first instinct would be to tease him for it in the morning, but… _being a senpai to all the first years_. Very carefully, he picked up the book and set it aside. Tsukishima stirred slightly, and Ryuu froze, but Tsukishima didn’t wake up. Next would be the headphones. It amazed Ryuu that Tsukishima could sleep with them on, but it couldn’t be comfortable. Then he realized that they were still playing. That could be more complicated. Maybe he should just leave them?

Well, he had to take the glasses off anyway. No one would let Tsukishima live it down. He reached out. Careful…careful.

Tsukishima moved suddenly, smacking Ryuu’s hand away. His eyes opened, and he sat up and removed his headphones.

“Shit, you’re a light sleeper!” Ryuu whispered.

Tsukishima glowered. “What were you doing?” he asked angrily, though thankfully also in a whisper.

“You fell asleep with your glasses on. I was going to take them off for you.”

“…Oh.” Tsukishima didn’t seem to have a witty retort this time.

“Sorry I woke you up,” Ryuu tried.

Tsukishima shrugged. “It’s fine. I wasn’t sleeping that well anyway.”

“Oh.” There was a moment of awkward silence. “Um. Sorry about earlier. We shouldn’t have ganged up on you like that. You’re our teammate.”

Tsukishima’s eyes narrowed. “Why are you apologizing?”

Ryuu floundered for a moment. _What?_ “Because…I was wrong?”

“Oh, yeah. I suppose so.” Tsukishima sounded oddly relieved. “Anyway, goodnight, Tanaka-san.” With that, he removed his glasses and lay back down, though he didn’t close his eyes. Ryuu figured he was dismissed.

***

Daichi was not a morning person, but training camps required him to get up early enough to rouse his team. Noya was a morning person, so at least he could sometimes help. There was also Hinata, but that wasn’t actually helpful at all. He supposed, as he stared helplessly at the empty coffee pot, that Kageyama and Tsukishima could be considered morning people, but they also weren’t really any-time-of-day people, so they didn’t count. Besides, Tsukishima might wake up early (when Yamaguchi wasn’t sleeping on him), but he was always grumpy in the morning. Grumpier.

By the time Daichi had his coffee, the majority of the team was awake. Hinata and Kageyama had gone for a morning run, and Nishinoya was gelling his hair.

Only two people were still asleep. Yamaguchi, as per usual, was curled around a pillow, happily oblivious to the steadily increasing volume of the room around him. Next to him, Tsukishima was sleeping with his headphones on.

“I thought he took those things off,” Tanaka said, appearing suddenly next to Daichi, who was looking down at his first-years with an expression of complete bewilderment. Tanaka shrugged. “He must have put them back on. What a weird guy.”

“Isn’t Tsukishima usually awake by now?” Daichi sighed.

“Oh, yeah,” Tanaka said, “He’s usually one of the first up. I think he’s a light sleeper most of the time. Though apparently not this morning.”

Daichi dragged his hand over his face. “Well someone has to wake them up.” He could just get Suga to do it…but no, he was their captain. Even if it was stupidly early. Maybe he could get Yamaguchi to wake up Tsukishima. Good plan.

“Yamaguchi. Wake up.” He reached out and gave Yamaguchi’s shoulder a little shake. Nothing happened. “Yamaguchi!” He shook him again, harder this time. “Yamaguchi, get up!”

Yamaguchi’s eyes opened. “Oh, right. Sorry. I’m up.”

Daichi smiled. Yamaguchi might sleep like the dead, but once he was awake, he was actually awake. “See if you can wake up Tsukishima for me. And then get ready. We’ve got a big day ahead.”

Yamaguchi yawned. “Ok.”

“Great.” Daichi moved away to his own bed to find the right clothes.

“Tsukki, time to get up.”

He felt a little bad about leaving Yamaguchi to deal with morning Tsukishima, but he figured Yamaguchi had seen worse. He frowned as he remembered what had happened the day before. Yamaguchi was a sweet kid most of the time, and Daichi couldn’t understand how Tsukishima could be so mean and still maintain their friendship. But Suga said he’d talked to Tsukishima, and Suga would let Daichi know if he needed to do anything about it.

“Come on, Tsukki. We’ll be late to breakfast if you don’t get up now.”

Daichi heard a string of muttered curses. Great, it sounded like Tsukishima was in an even worse mood than usual this morning. Hopefully breakfast would turn that around.

Daichi sat next to Suga and Shimizu at breakfast. He wasn’t paying that much attention to the chatter around him, but he looked up at a sudden burst of hastily stifled laughter.

“Oh my god, he totally fell asleep,” Kinoshita whispered gleefully. Daichi stared. Tsukishima’s head was resting on his arms, and he was in serious danger of getting egg in his hair. He sighed.

“Geez, I know he’s cranky in the morning, but he’s never slept this late before,” Hinata said.

“Maybe if he went to bed at a normal time, he’d be better off in the morning,” said Narita, “He was still reading when I fell asleep.”

Tanaka nodded. “He actually fell asleep like that, I think. I woke him up when I came back from the bathroom, and he said he wasn’t sleeping well. He still had his headphones on this morning.”

Ukai shook his head. “So irresponsible. Someone wake him up so he’s not hungry as well as exhausted.”

“Maybe we should just let him sleep,” Takeda said, looking concerned, “If he’s this exhausted…”

“No,” Ukai said, “If he’s going to stay up all night reading, he’s going to be tired the next day. Maybe this will encourage him to sleep better in the future.”

Yamaguchi looked doubtful. “I don’t think-”

But all arguments became irrelevant as Tsukishima sat up abruptly, his glasses crooked.

“What?” He glared at them all staring at him.

“Well, that’s decided,” Ukai said cheerfully, “He’s awake.”

Daichi nodded and went back to his breakfast. As he did so, he noticed the very worried expressions on Yamaguchi’s and Suga’s faces. And _Tanaka’s_. He sighed again. It was too early for this shit.

“Suga, you’re worried. What do we do?” he asked quietly.

Suga shook his head. “I don’t know what we can do to help if he won’t tell us. Just…be gentle with him today?”

“Fine,” Daichi grumbled.


	4. Chapter 4

The first practice match against Shinzen was not going well. The first set had ended in Karasuno’s defeat, and the second set, though it was still too early to be sure, seemed to be going the same way. Something was off, and Asahi thought it seemed that a large part of that something was Tsukishima. His head simply wasn’t in the game, and he barely reacted to Kageyama’s shouting. Asahi was concerned. Daichi would normally be much stricter with Tsukishima than he was being today, and Suga was looking worried. Perhaps he could help?

“Tsukishima, are you alright?” he asked while they rotated positions.

“I’m. Fine.” Tsukishima practically snarled at him.

“Ok,” Asahi said nervously, “You just seemed a little…out of it.”

For a few seconds, Asahi thought Tsukishima was going to either ignore him or get angry. But then he smiled.

It wasn’t a particularly nice smile. Asahi was reminded of the time the team had been doing impressions of each other. Tanaka had used this smile while saying, “Sarcasm, sarcasm. I’m so much smarter than all of you. Oh, look, an emotion. How childish.” He made a mental note to compliment Tanaka on his impersonation skills if he got the chance.

“You’re right, Asahi-san. I was a little out of it. I’ll do better.”

Somehow, Asahi wasn’t at all comforted.

But Tsukishima did do better. A lot better. His blocks were great, his receives solid, and even his spikes and feints were better than usual. With Tsukishima’s sudden change, the rest of the team changed too, and the balance tipped in their favor.

The ball was sailing directly to Shinzen’s setter, and there was no clear line of attack. Asahi glanced left and right. Both spikers were in position. The setter glanced left, and Asahi moved, but Tsukishima moved right.

WHAM.

The ball went down on Shinzen’s side of the court, and Tsukishima landed back on the ground. The second set was Karasuno’s.

“Nice, Tsukishima!” Daichi said.

“Tsukki, nice!” Yamaguchi yelled from the sidelines.

“Nice block,” said Asahi as he and Tsukishima walked back over to the coach. Tsukishima nodded distractedly.

Yamaguchi practically bounced up to them. “You’re doing really well today, Tsukki!”

Asahi smiled and nodded, but Tsukishima just continued frowning. “…Yeah.”

While they were getting ready for the third set, Asahi took the opportunity to talk to Suga. “Is something wrong with Tsukishima today?”

Suga looked thoughtful. “I thought there was. But he seems to be doing better now, doesn’t he? I’m keeping an eye on him, anyway.” Suga smiled. “But for now, let’s just be grateful we won the set.”

“Alright.”

They won the third set too, finishing off with a great spike by Tanaka, who was immediately jumped by Nishinoya. Cheering and smiling, Karasuno left the court while Shinzen went to do their penalty.

“Good job, Tsukishima,” Asahi said. Tsukishima was staring into the middle distance, looking as bored as ever. Asahi had been expecting some kind of reaction to winning the match he had been working so hard in, but apparently not.

“Thanks,” he said absently, and wandered off to get water. Asahi hesitated for a moment before following him.

“We won,” he said, sitting down as casually as he could. Tsukishima nodded, but made no other sign that he cared. “Isn’t that good?” Asahi prompted.

“Sure,” said Tsukishima in a way that sounded very much like he didn’t want to be talking at all.

“Are you-”

“Asahi! Tsukishima!” It was Suga. “Nice job!”

“Thanks, Suga,” Asahi said, smiling. Tsukishima didn’t look up. Suga looked between him and Asahi and then said, “Asahi, I think Daichi wants to talk to you. Something about your receives.”

Asahi nodded his understanding, and with a quick glance back at Tsukishima, he left. Tsukishima continued to stare at the ground. Suga crouched down in front of him.

“Tsukishima, we have twenty minutes before lunch. What do you need?”

There was a long pause. “…I need to be alone.” Tsukishima sounded awful.

“I’ll tell Takeda-sensei you’re not feeling well, and we’ll walk back together,” Suga said. Tsukishima said nothing, which in want of other signs, Suga took as agreement. “I’ll be right back.”

Suga didn’t know why he was surprised when he turned around and Tsukishima was gone. He turned back to Takeda. “I’ll find him. Don’t worry too much about it. I’m sure he’s fine.” He wasn’t sure of any such thing, but he really didn’t want Takeda to worry or draw attention to it.

He set off back towards the building they were staying in, but he had only gone a few meters down that path before he stopped, thinking. If Tsukishima wanted to be alone, he wouldn’t go there. “Hmm. If I were Tsukishima…” Suga muttered to himself. He turned around and walked in the other direction. After a few turns and turn-arounds, he found him.

Tsukishima looked up as Suga approached, but he looked back down at the ground quickly. He was sitting with his arms folded around his knees and his head resting on his arms, taking deep, controlled breaths.

Suga settled down in the grass, leaving a comfortable distance between them.

Tsukishima said nothing. Suga waited.

“So, is there anything I can do to help? Anyone I can call?”

“No. No, I’ll be fine.”

He did seem to be calming down, albeit slowly. Suga sat with him for a while in silence as his breathing returned to normal. Eventually he put a tentative hand on his shoulder, and when Tsukishima didn’t immediately shrug him off, he left it there. He could feel Tsukishima trembling occasionally, though the tremors gradually went away as they sat. Then Tsukishima stood up, and Suga did too. “I think you could do with some food and sleep,” Suga said decidedly, “We have the afternoon off.”

“Yeah,” Tsukishima said again, “I…didn’t exactly sleep well. There was too much…. There was too much.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it? It really does help,” Suga said earnestly.

Tsukishima shook his head. “I’m sure. I just need…space.”

“Okay then,” Suga said. He was certain Tsukishima needed to talk, but pressuring him wouldn’t do any good. Together they walked back to join the others for lunch.

***

Kei did his best to act normally during lunch. He knew Asahi was concerned, Yamaguchi certainly was too, and Suga obviously. He suspected Tanaka might have suspicions as well. But there was no reason for Kei to confirm them or give any more cause for anyone to be at all worried about him. He had resigned himself to Suga mothering him, and there was no way to stop Yamaguchi. But there he drew the line. No one else had to know that anything was wrong.

Besides, he was feeling much better.

Really.

He ate, made sarcastic comments about Kageyama, and longed for an end to the day so he could maybe, just maybe, sleep.

“Tsukki, your blocking was really good today!” Yamaguchi was saying cheerfully. “I was thinking we could practice some serve and block attacks tomorrow.”

Kei nodded. “Sounds good.”

“Great!” Yamaguchi flashed a million-watt smile and continued on about something else. Kei was only half listening. He was watching Yamaguchi’s face as he talked.

Yamaguchi’s face was so familiar to Kei that he felt like he should be able to recall every detail. But every time he looked, he noticed something new. The way Yamaguchi’s eyes reflected the light, the curve of his mouth when he smiled, the slope of his nose and they way it crinkled up sometimes when he was talking about something particularly funny. And the freckles of course. Yamaguchi had a lot of freckles and pimples, and he was very self-conscious of both. Kei didn’t really care either way about the pimples, but he thought the freckles were adorable and couldn’t imagine Yamaguchi without them. Kei probably could have written poetry comparing them to the stars. He wouldn’t. But he probably could have.

When lunch was finished, the team met in the bedroom to discuss their plans until dinner. Kiyoko had apparently arranged to do something with the other managers, but Yachi was staying behind. The coaches had decided that the afternoon should be used according to the teams’ discretion, giving them time for bonding and experience with more independence than they were normally allowed. Meanwhile, the coaches were going out for drinks. Except for Fukurodani’s, who were staying behind to make sure nobody burned down the school or anything.

“We’re supposed to use this time for team bonding,” Daichi said once they had all settled into a circle on the floor. “Does anyone have suggestions?”

Before anyone could answer, the door slammed. Daichi, Nishinoya, Tanaka, and Hinata all jumped up instantly, and everyone turned. There was loud laughter and the unmistakable sound of a key turning in the lock.

“We’ll let you out before dinner!” That was Kuroo’s voice.

“The prank war is _on_!” And that was Bokuto’s.

“ _Just what the hell are you two doing_?” Akaashi. Then there was the sound of three people running away at top speed.

Daichi tried the door handle while Nishinoya and Tanaka shouted challenges and threats after Kuroo and Bokuto.

“It’s locked,” he said unnecessarily, “Who designed this place? Well, it looks like we’re stuck here until someone lets us out. Unless we want to try a window?”

But it only took a quick look around to realize that windows weren’t really a viable option.

“If we’re stuck here, we might as well-” Asahi began.

“I think Tsukishima stopped breathing!”

At Nishinoya’s words, the entire team turned. Tsukishima had been kneeling next to Yamaguchi and Hinata when the door closed. He didn’t appear to have moved, but his eyes were fixed on the floor in front of him, and his hand was fumbling at his neck for headphones that weren’t there. Yamaguchi was facing him already, hands hovering a few inches away from touching.

“Tsukki, it’s okay,” he said, though he couldn’t quite disguise the note of panic in his voice.

Because Nishinoya was right. Tsukishima did look like he wasn’t breathing.

Suga was at his side in seconds, eyes wide and full of concern. The rest of the team gathered around too.

“Tsukishima?” Daichi said, crouching down in front of him.

“Give him space!” Yamaguchi snapped at them all.

“What’s going on?”

“Yamaguchi,” Tsukishima said shakily. Most of the team had to do a double-take. They had never heard Tsukishima sound…vulnerable before. He was definitely breathing now, but too fast, too shallow.

“Someone, grab his headphones,” Yamaguchi ordered, and Nishinoya sprang into action. “Tsukki, you’re okay. Is it okay if I touch you?”

Tsukishima nodded, and Yamaguchi put a soothing hand on his shoulder. Suga, seeing that Yamaguchi was better qualified for this, stood up to guide the rest of the team to the other side of the room. Nishinoya returned with the headphones, and Yamaguchi took them. He was unsure for a moment if it would be better to let Tsukishima put them on himself, but Tsukishima didn’t seem like he would be able to move that much any time soon. His breathing had gotten faster.

Kei kept looking at the ground. He felt like if he looked at anyone else, he would just keel over from humiliation. The door was locked. He could hear talking and whispering around him. None of the words made sense, but the sound alone was enough to make him feel like he was suffocating. Or maybe that was the hyperventilating. Maybe both. The door was locked. There couldn’t possibly be enough air in the room to fill his lungs. There might not be enough air in the world. Not that it mattered if he _couldn’t get to it_. He wanted to go, to slip away like he always did without anybody noticing. The door was locked.

“Tsukki, here.”

The whispering was muffled as Yamaguchi placed his headphones over his ears. Then he put Kei’s iPod in his hand. Kei didn’t turn it on. He couldn’t think. He couldn’t breathe. The door was locked.

“Tsukki, it’s okay. Breathe with me.”

He did his best to obey, but he couldn’t focus.

“Tsukki.” Yamaguchi put his hands on Kei’s shoulders. Kei took one deep breath. Then another.

***

Tobio had no idea what was going on. One minute they were annoyed at the Fukurodani and Nekoma captains for locking them in, the next everyone was gathering around Tsukishima. Who was having some kind of melt-down. Which didn’t make any sense. Hinata had melt-downs. Asahi-san had nervous breaks, Suga-san worried, and Yamaguchi cracked under pressure. Tsukishima snarked and sneered and snickered. He was expressionless and ambitionless and rude and therefore fearless. So what the hell was he freaking out about? Tobio had just opened his mouth to ask when Yamaguchi turned to them all with a fiercer expression than Tobio had ever seen on him.

“Give him space!”

Tobio closed his mouth. This seemed to be a situation for someone with…tact. Which he apparently didn’t have. He followed Suga-san to the other side of the room, but he couldn’t help glancing back at Tsukishima. He was hyperventilating now, and Yamaguchi was trying to calm him down. Tobio expected Yamaguchi to panic, and it had seemed like he was going to earlier. But he wasn’t panicking now. He was calm and efficient. Tobio got the impression that this was something Yamaguchi had done before, but not in exactly this way.

“What’s wrong with him?” Yachi asked. She was addressing the group at large, but everyone ended up looking to Suga-san anyway. He sighed.

“Tsukishima doesn’t do well with being confined,” Suga said, “He didn’t want me to tell any of you, but I think it’s too late for that now.”

There were a few murmurs of agreement. Then Tanaka-san asked, “Confined how?”

“Well,” Suga said, “I think it’s situations where he can’t slip away or escape. And crowds. And he said something about some days being worse than others. I don’t know everything.”

“So…yesterday….” Tanaka sounded like he really didn’t want to finish his sentence.

Suga sighed again and nodded. “Being confronted by that many people in such a small space and the door blocked wasn’t good. I don’t know if it was anything like this. I’d have to ask Bokuto-san. He found him first.”

“What happened?” Asahi asked, and Tobio, Hinata, Nishinoya-san, and Tanaka winced. Daichi-san just coughed awkwardly.

“We…um,” Nishinoya started. He looked desperately back to Suga, but Suga turned away to go check on Tsukishima and Yamaguchi.

“We kinda tried to tell him off for being mean to Yamaguchi. The four of us,” Nishinoya said, gesturing. “And then Daichi and Suga came in ‘cause we were yelling. So, uh, it probably wasn’t our best plan ever.” The rest of the team looked at them with varying degrees of disappointment and exasperation. “Ok, but to be fair, we didn’t know.”

***

Tsukki was continuing to take deep breaths. He had turned on his music too, but he made no other moves. So Tadashi continued to breathe with him and hold his shoulders. He was shaking, and his breathing was still on the rough side. The sooner they could get out, the better.

Suga came over and asked if he could help. Tadashi shrugged.

“The best thing would be to get the door open. Until then, this is all I know to do.”

“Of course. I’ll see if Daichi has Kuroo’s number.”

Suga stood up and rejoined Daichi and the others. Tadashi turned back to Tsukki.

“It’ll be fine, Tsukki, see? Suga-senpai will make sure of it.”

Tsukki shook his head. “I…I can’t…they saw. I can’t, Yamaguchi,” he said very quietly so the rest of the team couldn’t hear.

“Can’t what?”

“They weren’t…supposed to know. I don’t…want to be this. I hate this. I hate it. I hate it.”

“Tsukki. Tsukki, it’s okay. No one’s going to judge you.”

Tsukki half laughed, hysterical and breathless. “Sure, of course not. What’s to judge?”

“I mean it, Tsukki.”

Kei shook his head again. Yamaguchi didn’t understand. He’d never really understood, had he? They couldn’t know. It wasn’t right. Kei distanced himself for a reason, and this was it. He had to calm down. He couldn’t do this. He was falling apart in front of everyone, and now they knew his weakness. It was getting harder to breathe again. No. He had to calm down.

“Tsukki, you’re over-thinking. Concentrate on something else, okay? Just breathe with me.”

***

_Get back here and open the door now. We have a team member with a severe phobia of confinement._

_You assholes._

Kuroo almost didn’t open the texts from Daichi, but he decided it might be funny to see how angry he was. It wasn’t funny.

“Shit. Bokuto, stop.” Bokuto jogged back to him as Akaashi caught up.

“Shit,” he said when he had read the texts. “Oh. Shit. We fucked up. We fucked up. Shit. Kuroo. Akaashi. We fucked up.”

“What the hell are you thinking starting a prank war?” Akaashi said, but Bokuto shoved Kuroo’s phone under his nose. “…Well?” Akaashi said, “Go!”

They went. Kuroo didn’t even bother to take back his phone. As they hurtled off, Akaashi sighed and typed out a reply.

_On our way._

***

“They’re coming back,” Daichi said, “We should be out soon.”

“Good,” said Asahi, “I think Tsukishima’s doing better, but he still needs to get out.”

“Yeah,” Nishinoya agreed, “I just wish we could do something now to help.” He looked guilty and restless. Even his hair seemed to be wilting from the absence of something to do.

“We’re doing the best thing we can already by giving him as much space as we can,” Daichi said, “Tsukishima isn’t ready to accept help from us. Yamaguchi knows what he’s doing.”

Noya still looked unhappy.

“But,” Daichi continued, “Just because we can’t do more now, doesn’t mean we’re going to give up and leave things the way they are. Tsukishima isn’t ready to accept our help, but that just means we’ll have to prove to him that he can.”

That seemed to perk Noya up a little. There was still the matter of just how they were going to do that, but Daichi was confident that they could. They would never succeed if they didn’t believe they could. That was probably what had been holding them back in this endeavor all along. None of them had really thought that they could get along with Tsukishima. So none of them had. There had been some efforts over the months, but never with any real conviction. And Tsukishima had blown right through them.

They only had about a minute to wait before they heard running footsteps approaching.

“WE’RE SO SORRY!” Bokuto yelled, and after a few seconds of fumbling with the key, the door opened to reveal Bokuto and Kuroo looking thoroughly ashamed of themselves. Good, Daichi thought.

All eyes turned to Tsukishima, who stood up as soon as Bokuto and Kuroo were inside, swept past them without a second glance, and was gone. Daichi only glimpsed his face for the briefest moment, but it was enough to see…some kind of emotion he couldn’t identify. Probably multiple emotions, actually, but he wasn’t well versed in Tsukishima’s expressions. Seeing as Tsukishima didn’t normally have that many.

Bokuto and Kuroo both turned to follow him, but to everyone’s surprise (why were they still surprised at this point?), Yamaguchi grabbed them both.

“ _I’ll_ go after him. You’ll just make things worse. Stay here and talk to Daichi-san and Suga-san.” With a last look of disgust, Yamaguchi ran off after Tsukishima.

As one, the remaining crows turned to Kuroo and Bokuto.

“Well,” Daichi said, crossing his arms.

“YOU BASTARDS!” Before any of them knew what was happening, Nishinoya had launched himself at Kuroo. “WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU DO THAT?”

Kuroo fell over with the force of Nishinoya’s leap. He put up his arms to shield his face, but made no move to attack back.

“Nishinoya!” Suga said sharply, and he and Daichi dragged him away, “Stop it! That’s not helping.”

Nishinoya kept glaring at Kuroo and Bokuto, but he let Suga pull him back. Kuroo stood up slowly. His nose was bleeding a little, but he didn’t seem to care.

“We’re sorry,” he said, and Bokuto nodded fervently next to him. “We didn’t know. Not that that’s really an excuse.”

Daichi wanted to be angry. He was, to some extent. But he couldn’t bring himself to be really furious with them. They looked far too upset already.

“Alright, you’re sorry,” he said, “Fine. But now we have to actually do something about it.”

“What can we do?” Bokuto said, “We thought Tsukishima needed to talk to his teammates, which is part of why we went with this particular prank. Trying to help didn’t work.”

“It didn’t work because you went behind their backs and didn’t gather enough information,” said a voice from the doorway. Fukurodani’s setter was standing there, looking as composed as always. “Now that you have more information, you can help for real. Perhaps starting with an apology to Tsukishima next time you see him. There may be some groveling, but I’m sure you’ll survive.” He pulled a tissue seemingly out of nowhere and handed it to Kuroo. “Don’t get blood all over the place.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just how convoluted can I make this plot?  
> Poor Tsukki. Who let me have access to this child's life?


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the comments! I was not expecting this much response, and it's so great!  
> I'm updating every three days, and I should be able to keep to that schedule to the end but I don't want to guarantee that because classes just started again.

Kei walked quickly. He wasn’t entirely sure where he was going except away. Yamaguchi was probably following him. He usually was. Well, better Yamaguchi than anyone else, he supposed.

Sure enough, Yamaguchi soon caught up to him. He didn’t say anything; just fell into step beside Kei as always. Kei was grateful. He didn’t really feel like talking. He just wanted to move, to get rid of all this excess energy. Maybe that was why they arrived at the doors to the gym.

“You wanted to practice serve and block attacks, right?” Kei said, walking over to the storage closet. “We don’t have anyone to block, but I’m sure we can practice serves.”

“Tsukki…”

“Or if you don’t want to set up the net, we could do some passing.” Kei took out one of the volleyballs and stared at it in his hands. “Yeah. Passing.”

“Tsukki, I think we should sit down. You look tired.”

“I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not.”

Yamaguchi didn’t shout or even sound particularly argumentative. He was just stating a fact, and they both knew it. Kei threw the volleyball as hard as he could at the opposite wall of the closet. It ricocheted, knocking over two mops and a net. He could feel his heart beating fast in his chest.

“Well?” he demanded.

“Well what?”

“Aren’t you going to say something?”

“I was hoping you would start this time.”

Kei gave him a look.

Yamaguchi shrugged. “This works too, I guess. We should sit down.”

He didn’t give Kei a chance to argue, just sat down on the closest bench. Kei followed because it didn’t seem like he could do much else.

“So…that sucked,” Yamaguchi said eventually, and Kei stared at him. Yamaguchi nodded. “Yep. That sucked.”

“Is that all you have to say?”

“What else is there? Anything I say you’ve already thought of or won’t believe.”

“Say it anyway.”

Yamaguchi huffed. “You know, as much as it was a terrible way for it to happen, I think it’s good the team knows.”

Kei shook his head.

“See, that’s what I mean when I say you won’t believe me! But there is a bright side. Because now they can help.”

Yamaguchi sounded so confident that Kei almost felt like it could be true. Almost. “How can they help? Do you really think the idiot duo is going to hold my hand when I’m freaking out on the bus? Or maybe Nishinoya-san will teach me breathing exercises,” Kei said sarcastically.

Yamaguchi gave him a look that clearly said ‘you are being deliberately obtuse and I know it.’ “I think Asahi-san or Suga-san would be more likely for breathing exercises. Hinata actually would hold your hand. Kageyama might not, but he’ll almost certainly try helping somehow. Nishinoya-senpai might not know breathing exercises, but he’s probably going to get very protective of you. Guardian deity and all that. And of course everyone knowing means they also won’t ever try to confine you, they’ll stop anyone who does, and they’ll be generally more sensitive. Daichi-san will probably start doing research as soon as he gets home. So, yes, they can help.”

Kei opened his mouth to make a retort. Then he closed it again. Then after a few more seconds of silence, he said, “Why though? Why would they do any of that? Why not just let me deal with it and not be embarrassed?”

“Because we’re a team,” Yamaguchi said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. Then he frowned at Kei’s less-than-impressed expression. “Tsukki…have you ever thought that you might have more than one friend?”

That was…not what Kei had been expecting. “No?”

Yamaguchi shook his head. “Of course you haven’t. I think Yachi would be offended if she heard you just now, you know.”

“Yachi and I are friends?”

“Mhm. Or close to it anyway. Maybe it’ll be easier now though.”

“Ha. Yeah. Easier. That’s what’s going to happen.”

“Tsukki…”

“No. I don’t trust them more now because they’ve seen me at my worst. If anything, I trust them less. And anyway it doesn’t matter. We’re just teammates. That’s it.”

Yamaguchi gave him a very disappointed look. “They’re ‘just teammates,’ and volleyball’s ‘just a club?’”

Kei looked away. “I don’t know.”

“Give them a chance, okay?” Yamaguchi said, “I think you’re underestimating them.”

Kei shrugged. “It’s not like I can really avoid them forever.”

“That’s the spirit,” Yamaguchi said drily. “We should head back once you’re ready. They’re probably worried.”

“I don’t want to explain this,” Kei said immediately. The thought of facing the team again and talking about what had just happened was unbearable.

“Then I will.”

“I don’t want anyone else to explain this.” He knew it sounded childish, but Yamaguchi brought out the worst in him. And the best. But usually the worst, because it was Kei.

“Well, if you don’t explain, they’re going to ask anyway. It might be better to do it on your own terms.”

Kei knew he was right.

***

Daichi met them outside. The rest of the team was gathered in the kitchen along with Kuroo, Bokuto, and Akaashi. Shimizu had been filled in on what happened and had returned too. Now they were just waiting for Tsukishima and Yamaguchi.

“Tsukishima, Yamaguchi, we’re having a meeting in the kitchen,” Daichi said once they arrived. “You can come, you can talk, or you can not. We’re leaving it up to you. No one is going to force you to do anything.”

This last part was directed at Tsukishima. Yamaguchi was clearly expected to attend. Still, Yamaguchi seemed to take it that the offer was extended to him.

“I’ll go,” he said, “Tsukki?”

Tsukishima nodded wordlessly. He was back to his usual combination of stoicism and disdain, but Daichi could see some of the effort he was putting into it now. It seemed new and strange, but it might have been there the whole time.

So Daichi led the way back to the kitchen, sat down next to Suga, and waited until Tsukishima and Yamaguchi were sitting side by side between Kinoshita and Yachi. 

Well, there was no point putting it off. “Let’s talk about what happened today.”

The atmosphere at the table, already uncomfortable, thickened even further. Every eye was fixed on Tsukishima. Tsukishima glanced at Yamaguchi. Then he sighed and looked up at them all.

“I get panic attacks sometimes when I’m stuck in a confined space, particularly when it’s crowded or just has other people, like today,” he said unemotionally. He didn’t add “and yesterday,” but Daichi felt like it was implied. He could tell Nishinoya and Tanaka felt it too.

“Why didn’t you tell any of us?” asked Asahi, doing his best not to sound accusatory. He was clearly taking this information pretty hard. He was the anxious type himself, though not in the same way. And Daichi knew he and Tsukishima had some kind of functional dynamic on the court, which was more than could be said for most of them.

Tsukishima didn’t respond immediately. Then he said, “It didn’t seem that important. And I didn’t want to.”

“Why not?” asked Hinata. He seemed torn between concern and fascination, and while Daichi kind of wanted to slap him upside the head for being insensitive, he also wanted to applaud him for being direct instead of dancing around the issue.

“Because I don’t like talking about it. It’s not exactly an easy subject to bring up.”

Daichi had to concede that point. “Still, it would have been nice to know. We could have helped,” he said.

Tsukishima gave him an extremely skeptical look. “As capable a captain as you are, Daichi-san,” he said in a way that somehow sounded simultaneously sincere and disrespectful, “I doubt it would have done much good. Any other questions?”

“How long has this been happening?” Suga asked. 

“I don’t know. Since I was a kid,” Tsukishima said, clearly unhappy with the continued questioning. “Which means I’m used to it and don’t need a small army of worriers trying to take care of me.”

“We’re not a small army,” Daichi said, “We’re a team.” Tsukishima just looked at him. “Whether you like it or not, we’re here for you.”

Tsukishima looked at him for a few more seconds before apparently reaching some kind of conclusion. Then he turned away to look at Bokuto and Kuroo. “Bokuto-san, Kuroo-san, you’re being awfully quiet. And what happened to your nose, Kuroo-san?”

“I punched him!” Nishinoya said, grinning . Tsukishima looked, for the first time since he had returned, shocked.

“You…punched him.”

“Yep!” Nishinoya said proudly, and Kuroo glared half-heartedly.

“Why?”

“Duh…because he gave you a panic attack!”

Tsukishima looked unimpressed. Daichi had to admit Noya was being a bit hypocritical. But Tsukishima didn’t say anything, and Daichi realized why. Yamaguchi still didn’t know. He glanced at Suga, but Suga wasn’t looking at him. Well, Suga knew best, and if Yamaguchi needed to know, Suga would tell him. Confident in his vice captain’s ability to deal with that delicate situation, Daichi turned his attention to the other matter at hand.

Kuroo spoke before he could. “We’re very sorry, Tsukishima. Even though we didn’t know this would happen, we still should have thought about the risks. It was stupid.”

“Really stupid,” Bokuto agreed quietly. He had been quiet since Tsukishima left, and it was getting to be unnerving.

They waited for Tsukishima to respond. He was clearly thinking very hard about it. “…It was stupid. But you didn’t know.” They waited for him to say something else, but it didn’t look like he would. Daichi supposed that was Tsukishima’s way of accepting their apology without really accepting it. Well, they couldn’t make him.

Daichi wanted to ask something else, because this discussion didn’t feel finished. There was obviously more to say, and Tsukishima clearly had more on his mind. But for the life of him, he couldn’t think where to begin. He had a feeling Tsukishima was doing this deliberately. Shutting down productive conversations in order to protect himself from having to reveal anything. Yes, that sounded exactly like Tsukishima, though Daichi might never would have guessed before today.

With nothing left to say, Daichi declared the meeting over, and everyone dispersed. Tsukishima had his headphones up before the words had even left his mouth.

***

Dinner was an awkward time for everyone. Tsukki was hell-bent on not letting anyone talk to him, probably because he expected them to treat him differently. Tadashi couldn’t really blame him, but he did wish he would just give them a chance already. Daichi had asked Tsukki if he could tell Takeda and Ukai what had happened, but it was clearly more of a statement than a question. They needed to know. Tsukki had just nodded and continued picking at his food. For once, even Nishinoya seemed unwilling to comment on how little he was eating. Tadashi sighed.

“Are you going to eat more, Tsukki? You probably should, you know.”

“Shut up, Yamaguchi.” The words weren’t irritated as much as tired, so Tadashi shut up. Tsukki left soon after that, muttering about needing to pack up his things for the trip home tomorrow. Tadashi figured he could use some time alone, and besides, he hadn’t finished yet.

“We really fucked up with Tsukishima yesterday, Ryuu. We need to make up for it somehow or other.”

Tadashi looked over at Nishinoya and Tanaka. They were talking more quietly than usual, but Nishinoya was still pretty loud.

“Um…Nishinoya-senpai? What happened yesterday?” he asked. Nishinoya and Tanaka froze guiltily.

“Uh…we…um. We kind of … confrontedTsukishimainthelockerroomfourtoonetotellhimtostopbeingmeantoyou!” Nishinoya said.

“What?”

Tanaka sighed. “We wanted him to stop being mean to you, so we – plus Kageyama and Hinata – kind of ganged up on him after practice yesterday. Then Daichi and Suga showed up and looking back on it Tsukishima was looking kind of pale. But we didn’t think there was anything like this!”

Tadashi stared. “You told Tsukki to stop being mean to me? But…you didn’t ask me if anything was wrong.”

They somehow managed to look even guiltier. “Yeah,” Nishinoya said, “Suga gave us the lecture. Sorry, Yamaguchi. We should have asked you first.”

“Yeah,” Tadashi said, but he couldn’t bring himself to make his senpais look any more miserable. “Well…thanks for defending me, I guess. Even if I didn’t need it. Tsukki’s not really that mean. At least to me. He acts so cool, but he’s really just a giant dork.” Tadashi smiled slightly. “I can handle him.”

***

Kei had been hoping to avoid talking to anyone. This wasn’t unusual, but he was feeling particularly irritable after dinner. Over the past few days, this also wasn’t unusual. But there wasn’t really anything to be done about it.

It was too early to go to bed, so he pulled out a book. Before he got more than two pages along, Yamaguchi showed up.

“Hey, Tsukki?”

Kei sighed and put his book down. Yamaguchi sat down in front of him.

“What, Yamaguchi?”

“Um…I heard Nishinoya-senpai talking about what happened yesterday.”

Shit. How much did he know? Would Nishinoya really tell him everything that was said in there? They hadn’t talked about it, obviously. Did Yamaguchi know what he’d said? Did he know what he’d meant?

“I just wanted to say that I wouldn’t have asked them to do that. I know you’re not actually mean. To me.”

Kei couldn’t think of anything to say to that. He was mean to Yamaguchi. He was a complete asshole to Yamaguchi. Yamaguchi just refused to see it.

“So…um…we’re good. I told them it was fine, so they shouldn’t bother you again.”

“Right,” Kei said, “Thanks.”

Yamaguchi watched him carefully for a moment. Then, just as Kei was about to ask what he was looking at, Yamaguchi spoke.

“So…is that everything that’s been bothering you lately?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, it just seems like there’s more. I’ve never seen you this worked up before. At least not since…middle school.”

_Not since Nii-chan._

“I’m fine,” he said automatically, but Yamaguchi just frowned at him. “There’s nothing else.”

“Are you sure?” Yamaguchi said doubtfully. Kei nodded. “…What about Kuroo-san?”

This was so not a topic Kei wanted to address. Not now, not with Yamaguchi, not ever with anyone. “What about him?”

“Just…” Yamaguchi looked uncomfortable, “You seemed to be getting along pretty well yesterday. And then this happened. I was…wondering. He seemed really upset that he hurt you.”

Kei shrugged. “I guess.”

“…How come you never told me you’re gay?”

Fuck. Kei floundered for a few seconds, eventually deciding it was too late to lie. “I just…I don’t know. I thought it was obvious. I didn’t think it mattered. I don’t have to tell everyone everything, do I?”

“Well, no,” Yamaguchi said, flustered. “I just thought you might have told me.”

“How did you even know?”

“I’ve never seen you react to girls flirting the way you reacted to Kuroo-san. I guessed from that.”

_Damn it, Kuroo._

“Well, yeah, I’m gay. Now you know. Good talk.” Anything to shut down this horrible, awkward conversation.

“But are you okay? Do you want to talk about it?”

_Damn it, Yamaguchi._

“No. I’m fine. Just leave me alone already. Why do you have to know everything about me all the time?”

Ok, that was a bit of an overreaction on Kei’s part. But his nerves were worn down to nothing, and Yamaguchi’s constant concern was so…pointless.

“Sorry, Tsukki.” But it didn’t sound right. It wasn’t the usual reflexive, amused, or nervous apology Kei was used to. It was petulant, irritated, and a little sarcastic. “I was just trying to help.”

“I know,” he said, “But you’re not.”

“Why do you have to make everything so difficult?” Yamaguchi huffed.

“I’m not making anything difficult.” That was a lie and they both knew it.

“You never let me help anymore. You always act like you have to do everything yourself.”

“Maybe I don’t want your help.”

Kei forced himself not to wince at how harsh he sounded and the look on Yamaguchi’s face.

“I thought you’d gotten better since the start of camp. But you’re just the same as ever, aren’t you? You want to be cool so badly you cover up the majority of your personality.”

“It’s stupid and childish to-”

“You collect plastic dinosaurs, Tsukki. I don’t think you have room to be calling anyone childish.” Yamaguchi’s eyes widened as he realized what he’d just said. But he didn’t take it back.

Kei felt something twist in his gut. The dinosaurs were off-limits. The dinosaurs were always off-limits. He couldn’t deal with this. He turned away, but Yamaguchi kept going.

“Maybe if you actually talked about your problems, you could have ended that stupid fight with your brother years ago! Akiteru at least _tried_!”

Kei stood up. So did Yamaguchi. “What, so I should be a careless idiot like you and make other people deal with my problems? That’s pathetic.”

“Don’t call me an idiot! At least I’m not so emotionally repressed that all I do is hurt people. No wonder you don’t have friends!”

All the air in the room seemed to vanish. Yamaguchi was breathing heavily. Kei couldn’t breathe at all. His whole body felt numb and cold. He lifted his headphones from around his neck and put them over his ears before Yamaguchi could say anything else. Then he walked out the door and didn’t look back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Well_...


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just for the record, if you know someone with anxiety, please don't use anything in this fic as a guide for how to act. They're actually doing a pretty bad if well-meaning job for a lot of this. (Side-eyes Daichi calling a meeting a.k.a. crowded enclosed space with spotlight on Tsukki right after the prank scene.) I love them all, but they don't know what they're doing. And even when things go well, don't take that as a guarantee they'll go well in real life. Don't use this fic as a guide, please.

For the second time that day, Kei walked quickly out the door with shaking hands and headphones over his ears. For the second time that weekend, he went around to the back of the building and sat down on the ground. He pressed his hands against his forehead, trying to hold something together or suppress the migraine building there. It didn’t work, and tears spilled from his eyes. His hands moved down to cover his mouth, muffling any sobs that managed to slip out.

He was breaking down again, and he hated this feeling more than anything in the world. It was all the worse because it was Yamaguchi who had pushed him here. And it was Kei who had pushed Yamaguchi to push back. He’d finally done it, he thought bitterly. Yamaguchi finally saw him for the asshole he was, and it _hurt_. And even though Kei had pushed him to it, even though he had pulled away so much that something was bound to snap and recoil and hit them both, even though it was Kei’s fault, he was angry. Because he _trusted_ Yamaguchi, and Yamaguchi had thrown that in his face.

It wasn’t _fair_. None of it was fair. Yamaguchi deserved better than a best friend like Kei. And Kei...well, he deserved a lot of things, but not this. He didn’t think he’d done anything bad enough to deserve this.

***

Ryuu slid into the kitchen and went straight for the cupboard, praying he was right. He, Noya, and Yamamoto were arranging a contest to see who could stand the most hot sauce on their food, and he had seen a bottle in Karasuno’s kitchen that promised to be super hot. He found it, whooped loudly, and turned to find himself face to face with a stunned and teary-eyed Yamaguchi.

“Yamaguchi, what happened?”

“T-Tanaka-senpai. Sorry, I was looking for some water. I-I didn’t expect an-nyone to be back.” Yamaguchi broke down into a fresh set of sobs, and Ryuu almost dropped the hot sauce in his rush to his side.

“Hey, hey! It’s ok, Yamaguchi! What’s wrong? Tanaka-senpai is here to help!” He guided Yamaguchi to a seat at the table and sat down next to him. Ryuu had seen Yamaguchi cry before. He had seen almost everyone on the team cry after they lost at the Inter-High tournament. But as awful as that had been, it was nothing to how Yamaguchi was crying now.

“Ts-Tsukki,” he managed to choke out between sobs, and Ryuu’s heart sank. “We b-both said really, r-really awful things. He won’t talk to me, but I st-started with the dinosaurs, and….” He trailed off into another wave of tears. Ryuu had no idea what to do or what was going on except that apparently Tsukishima and Yamaguchi had fought, and it had been bad. He looked at Yamaguchi’s crumpled, tear-stained face. Very bad.

“Oh…no, it’s alright, Yamaguchi. I’m sure it’ll be alright. He put an arm around him and wasn’t all that surprised when Yamaguchi buried his face in his shoulder and continued to cry. “It’s ok, it’s ok.” Ryuu had no idea what he was doing, but it seemed to be working. Yamaguchi’s sobs were dying down into sniffles and occasional hiccups. He straightened up eventually and muttered an apology. “It’s ok,” Ryuu said again, “Why don’t you tell me what happened?”

Yamaguchi took a deep, shuddering breath and nodded. “I was just asking Tsukki what was bothering him. ‘Cause he was obviously upset about more than just yesterday and today.”

_Obviously?_

“But he didn’t want to tell me anything. And I asked him about flirting with Kuroo-san, but he started getting annoyed. And I guess I just pushed too hard, ‘cause he got mad at me. And I got mad at him back because I was just trying to help, and he _always_ does this. He _always_ pushes people away when he needs them, and I got frustrated. And then I – brtpsdnsrclction.”

“What?”

“I brought up his dinosaur collection.”

“ _What_?” Ryuu couldn’t help the shout of laughter that left him. It was just too weird. Tall, cool, asshole Tsukishima…with a dinosaur collection. Yamaguchi looked embarrassed on Tsukishima’s behalf, but still far too sad for Ryuu’s liking.

“He collects dinosaur figures. I…I’ve never told anyone about it because he gets all embarrassed. But he really loves dinosaurs. And I…I told him it was childish. But it _is_ , and he’s always acting like everyone else is childish when he’s just this giant, repressed nerd!”

Ryuu couldn’t say he totally understood, but it was obvious that this was important. Then Yamaguchi went on, telling Ryuu the things they had said to each other, occasionally explaining, but mostly not. It didn’t make a lot of sense in the end, but he got the gist. Yamaguchi brought up something Tsukishima had trusted him with and…something about his brother? But Tsukishima kept trying to shut down on him. Then there had been insults and Yamaguchi had said “No wonder you don’t have friends.” Ryuu’s eyes widened. This was way beyond his skill to deal with.

“Ryuuuuuuuu!!! How long does it take to – what’s going on?” Noya slid into the room, slightly more gracefully than Ryuu had.

“Ah…” Ryuu glanced at Yamaguchi, but he didn’t seem to care what was said. “Yamaguchi and Tsukishima had…an argument.”

“Ooh, wow! How bad?”

“He called me pathetic, and I told him he didn’t have friends,” Yamaguchi said. Noya whistled.

“Wow! That bad! Where is he now?”

“He left,” Yamaguchi said, “I don’t know where he went. Someone should probably find him though. He over-thinks when he’s upset if you let him.”

“I’ll find him!” said Noya confidently, though Ryuu was almost sure he had no idea what he was doing either. “Don’t worry about it, Yamaguchi! It’ll all be alright.” He dashed out again.

“I…I hope he knows what he’s doing,” Yamaguchi said uncertainly.

“Noya’ll be fine,” Ryuu said with more confidence than he felt. “He’s not as stupid as he looks.”

Yamaguchi half-smiled. “Ok.”

“And then Tsukishima will come back, we’ll have apologies all ‘round, and everything will be ok!”

“…I don’t want to apologize first,” Yamaguchi said quietly, “I always apologize.”

This was going to be worse than Ryuu thought.

***

Yuu almost ran into Tsukishima outside the door. He glanced down at Yuu, muttered an apology, and tried to keep walking. Yuu stared after him, because he couldn’t possibly have seen that right, could he?

“Hey, Tsukishima! Stop for a minute, will ya!”

Tsukishima sighed and brought his headphones down around his neck. “What is it, Nishinoya-san?”

Yuu squinted up at his face. He was right. Tsukishima’s eyes were red. “You’ve been crying,” he said frankly. “Wanna talk?”

“No.”

Yuu had expected this. “Too bad, we’re talking anyway. Yamaguchi was crying too, and if I have two crying kouhai, talking needs to happen.”

“…Fine.”

Yuu waited. “…So…talk.”

“About what?”

“Geez, you are bad at this! Start with why you were crying.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Like I said, too bad.”

Tsukishima glared, but Yuu had too much experience with that kind of thing to be concerned. “I assume you already know that Yamaguchi and I fought.”

“Yeah. Sounds like it was really bad. How did it start?”

“He kept asking me if I was okay.” Tsukishima seemed to realize how ridiculous that sounded, so he continued. “And apparently he was upset I’d never told him I’m gay. It was irritating. He shouldn’t spend so much energy worrying about me.”

“That’s what friends do though, right? Worry about each other, take care of each other, tell each other important things about themselves….”

“I’m not that good a friend.”

_Oh. Oooooooh. Crap._ “I don’t think you’re as bad as you think you are, Tsukishima,” he said, “Hey, no need to look that shocked. I know we don’t always get along, but half of that’s just teasing! And the other half’s not even that bad. Sure, you’re a jerk a lot of the time, but so what?”

“Is this meant to make me feel better?”

“I’m not done yet!” Yuu huffed. “The point is Yamaguchi thinks you’re great. And he knows you best out of all of us, so that means you must be some kind of great.” It was simple, really. And he didn’t know why they hadn’t realized it before.

“Yamaguchi’s an idiot. And I doubt he thinks I’m great anymore.”

“Hmm.” Tsukishima was stubborn, but so was Yuu. “What exactly did you say that would make Yamaguchi mad?”

Tsukishima sighed again, and by some mutual understanding, they started walking around the building. “I called him pathetic and sort of accused him of burdening other people with his problems.”

_Wow._

“Wow. That’s pretty low.”

“Well, he’d brought up…some other stuff first. And then it just escalated. He used my brother,” Tsukishima said. Yuu had no idea what had happened with Tsukishima’s brother, but from the anger and confusion in his voice, he had to guess it was bad. “So then I called him an idiot and pathetic, and he said that I’m so emotionally repressed that I only hurt people, and that it was no wonder I don’t have friends. He was probably right, but still.”

“Hey, hey! Who said you don’t have friends?” Yuu said loudly.

“Well…I don’t. It’s really just Yamaguchi. Or it was. I don’t know.”

“It _is_. And also it’s _not_ just Yamaguchi. What about the team, huh?” Tsukishima shrugged. “Well, what about me? I’m your senpai! I punched a guy for you!”

“Nishinoya-san, as much as I appreciate Kuroo being punched in the face, I don’t know if that actually proves anything.”

Yuu frowned. “It totally does! Also, he was totally okay with it, which proves that he’s your friend too!”

“How?”

“He felt guilty for hurting you! That’s something friends do.”

Tsukishima mulled this over for longer than Yuu thought was normal. Did he really have that little idea what friendship was?

“So…if you’re my friend, or my senpai, you feel guilty about hurting me?”

Yuu stumbled in shock. Tsukishima was…being open about emotions? He was admitting to being hurt and asking Yuu about his emotions too? All in one sentence! Then he realized he hadn’t responded. “Yes! Sorry, yes. Yeah. I do.” There was a few seconds’ pause. “I really am sorry.”

Tsukishima shrugged. “It’s ok. You didn’t exactly say anything I didn’t deserve. Except the part about flirting with Kuroo.”

Yuu shook his head. “No, it was out of line. I should’ve just asked you or Yamaguchi. Instead we surrounded you and started yelling. What kind of senpai does that?”

Tsukishima shrugged again, and there was another silence, longer this time. “Yamaguchi was crying?” Tsukishima said finally, and Yuu nodded.

“He seemed really upset about it. He thinks you’re angry.”

“I am.”

“Oh.”

“He used the stuff I trusted him with against me. Of course I’m angry.”

“You’re not acting angry,” Yuu said. Tsukishima’s face was calm, his voice was level, and his body looked relaxed. He didn’t look angry.

“You’ve never seen me that angry before. How would you know?”

“You’re always so grouchy though!”

“That’s different.”

“Huh. Ok. But if you’re angry at him, why were you crying?” If Yuu was ever going to understand Tsukishima’s emotional state, he needed a lot more explanation.

“I don’t like being angry at him. And I know I hurt him too.” Tsukishima sighed. “I hate crying.”

“Whaaaaat? Crying is healthy, Tsukishima! You should cry whenever you need to!”

“Does anything I’ve said to you about my emotions sound healthy? Why did I even agree to this?”

Tsukishima reached for his headphones as they made it back to the front of the building again. “Hey! No! We’re still talking!” Yuu said, “Uh…hang on, you’re gay?”

“Ugh.”

“No, wait, you’re gay! I didn’t know that! How did I not know that? That was super obvious.”

Tsukishima rolled his eyes. “I don’t exactly hide it or tell people. It’s just there. Why does it matter?”

Yuu was thinking fast and a little bit proud of himself for that. It all added up. “You like him! Oh my god that explains so much.”

“What? What do you mean?”

“You got embarrassed when he was sleeping on you, you didn’t want to flirt with Kuroo and got defensive when we asked about it, and you’re upset because…because you don’t think he likes you back? No, that can’t be it.”

“Why can’t that be it?”

“Uh…because it’s obvious he does?” Yuu said. “Did you really not realize it? He follows you around _all the time_. He has a cute nickname for you. He looks at you like you are the answer to everything in the universe!”

Tsukishima gave him a very skeptical look. “Half of that isn’t even true, and the other half is irrelevant. He doesn’t like me. I don’t even know if he likes boys.”

Yuu couldn’t help laughing at that one. “I thought you were the observant type, Tsukishima! He obviously likes boys! And girls too.”

“Really? Huh. That still doesn’t mean he likes me. And even if he did, he doesn’t anymore.”

Yuu frowned. “Come on, it’s not that bad.”

“He used my brother against me. My _brother_. He knew how much that would hurt.”

“What about your brother?” Yuu asked curiously. He knew very little about Tsukishima Akiteru except that he graduated from Karasuno around the same time as the Small Giant and played volleyball. Tsukishima never talked about him to the team. He hadn’t even known he had a brother until Saeko brought it up.

Tsukishima hesitated. “It sounds stupid.”

“So? Half the stuff you’ve said sounds stupid. Doesn’t mean it’s not worth saying.”

“That…whatever. Fine.” Tsukishima looked away and started talking, voice flat and unemotional. “My brother was my childhood hero. I thought he was the ace of his team, and he kept lying so I could keep believing that. I didn’t go to any games until his last one, and he wasn’t even on the bench. I didn’t really talk to him for years.”

Yuu thought about this for a moment. “You’re right. That does sound stupid. But it makes sense too. That would be like if Saeko turned out not to be as cool as she is. Still, years of not talking?”

Tsukishima nodded. “He lied to me. I made him lie to me. I didn’t want to talk to him.”

“See, that’s exactly your problem, Tsukishima,” Yuu said wisely, “You never want to talk things through.”

“Hmm.” Tsukishima had no reply.

And then Yuu had what he hoped was a brilliant idea. “Hey, I think I saw some popsicles in the freezer earlier. Want one?”

“Don’t you have to go back to dinner?”

Yuu thought briefly of Yamamoto who was probably wondering where he and Ryuu had gone. He shrugged. “I’ll go back in a bit. But popsicles are the best!”

Tsukishima shrugged and followed Yuu back to the kitchen where, as Yuu had expected, Yamaguchi and Ryuu were still sitting. Yamaguchi looked much calmer now and was listening raptly to one of Ryuu’s stories. They stopped when Yuu and Tsukishima walked in, and Yuu suddenly questioned the real wisdom of his plan.

“Tanaka-san,” Tsukishima said curtly. He was determinedly not looking at Yamaguchi, but Yamaguchi was staring at him. “…I’m going to shower.” He walked out. Yamaguchi looked for a second like he was going to call after him, but then he closed his mouth and said nothing.

“Uh…I was gonna get a popsicle,” Yuu said sheepishly. “Sorry.”

Ryuu sighed. “That went well.”

Yamaguchi was glaring at the table. “I’m sick of trying to get him to open up. If he doesn’t want to talk, fine.”

Yuu and Ryuu looked at each other. This was worse than they thought.

“I’m gonna go…somewhere else,” Yamaguchi said, and left.

They waited until he was definitely gone before speaking.

“What did you and Tsukishima talk about?” Ryuu asked. “And why did you bring him back here?”

“I thought he had opened up enough,” Yuu said sadly, “But apparently not. I mean, we were doing really well. He actually admitted he was hurt and angry, which is pretty big for him, I think. He wouldn’t believe me that Yamaguchi likes him though. So I thought maybe if he came back here and they talked, it would work out!”

“Gah. How can they be so smart and so dumb?” Ryuu shook his head. “Yamaguchi’s angry too. He thinks Tsukishima should apologize first. I don’t think that’s ever happened.”

“Well he’d better apologize soon,” Yuu said, “Otherwise we might be doomed.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise there will be at least one good thing in the next chapter! I mean, they've just about hit rock bottom, so...


	7. Chapter 7

Kei pulled his futon as far away from Yamaguchi’s as he could without disrupting anyone else. It wasn’t very far, but it got the point across. Yamaguchi wasn’t back yet, though the rest of the team had returned from dinner, and Kei was glad. He wanted to go to bed and sleep and not deal with this crap anymore. He didn’t want to see Yamaguchi’s face. He didn’t want Yamaguchi to see his.

“Tsukishima, you’re going to bed already?” It was Asahi, looking worried again.

“Yes. Long day.”

“O-oh. Yeah, I suppose so. Well, goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

Kei took off his glasses and put on his headphones. Music blocked out the noise from the rest of the team getting ready for bed. It also blocked out the sound of Yamaguchi’s return. Kei opened his eyes and saw Yamaguchi standing with his back to him, probably talking to Hinata. He quickly closed his eyes again and tried to pretend he was asleep. It wouldn’t fool Yamaguchi, who knew Kei could never fall asleep that quickly or with that much activity around. But it was the thought that counted.

Four hours later, Kei’s iPod died. He was still awake. Lying there without music quickly became unbearable, so he stood up quietly and after plugging in his charger, he wandered off down the hall.

It was that strange, surreal time of night when the entire world felt like a precarious balance of extremes. Kei might have been the only person in the world, but at the same time he was acutely aware of the team sleeping in the room behind him, of Shimizu and Yachi in their own room down the hall, of the bugs and the birds in the tree outside that window. He felt like the world must last forever in the stillness and the silence, but it was tense, waiting, ready to explode in flames at the smallest spark.

He considered the door to the outside. He could just walk out now. He was barefoot and had nothing with him but the pyjamas he was wearing. But there was nothing really stopping him from opening the door and just walking forever. It would be stupid and dangerous and was basically just a terrible idea. But he could. No one would ever know. He turned right and walked into the kitchen. Water seemed like a good idea.

Kei sat at on the counter while he drank his water. He almost always sat on the counter if it was the middle of the night. If he was already out of place by being up so late, he might as well sit on the counter. He remembered when he was a kid, Akiteru would sometimes find him there and join him, and they would stay there whispering and eating until Kei fell asleep or their parents woke up and found them. Later, he and Yamaguchi would do the same thing except Yamaguchi was always the first to get sleepy. They still did it sometimes. Or they had.

Approaching footsteps jerked Kei out of his thoughts, and he looked up. Yamaguchi stopped in the doorway. His hair was mussed, and he still looked half-asleep. Kei couldn’t think what had woken him up. It usually took a full-scale shouting match or some equivalent to wake up Yamaguchi before noon. But there he was, staring at Kei like he couldn’t believe he had gotten himself into this mess. Whatever mess he was imagining.

“Yamaguchi.”

“Tsuk – Tsukishima.”

It probably would have hurt less if Yamaguchi had just stabbed him or something.

“What…what are you doing up?” he asked, trying and mostly failing to keep his voice calm.

“What are you doing up?” Yamaguchi countered.

Kei raised his eyebrows. “You know I don’t sleep well.”

Yamaguchi looked down. “Yeah. I know.”

“But you usually sleep like a log,” Kei continued, “So why are you awake?”

“I…couldn’t fall asleep.”

“Oh.” It had happened before, Yamaguchi lying awake for hours when he was worrying about something. He usually called Kei if he wasn’t already at Kei’s house. He hated to think it was happening because of him this time. But there was no other explanation.

They stood and sat in awkward silence for a few moments.

“Did you want water or something?” Kei said finally. Yamaguchi shrugged. “Do you want to sit down?”

“Not really.”

Kei wanted to stay angry, because Yamaguchi had hurt him like he had never believed he could. He had used the things Kei trusted him with against him, and it hurt like hell. But Yamaguchi was standing in the doorway in his slightly too big pyjamas, fiddling with the sleeves like he always did when he was distressed. And he was hurt too. Yamaguchi had been reaching out for years, and Kei had never taken hold. And it was the middle of the night and they were both exhausted so maybe the usual rules didn’t apply. Maybe it didn’t matter right now that Kei was an asshole and Yamaguchi amazing. Because in the middle of the night, Kei was a sleepy teenager in love with his adorable best friend.

“Sorry, Yamaguchi.”

Yamaguchi looked up, astonished. “What?”

“I’m sorry. For...for everything I said. For everything. In general. I’m just...sorry.”

Kei fidgeted a little under Yamaguchi’s stare. He couldn’t look directly at him. Had he said something wrong again? Would Yamaguchi even believe that he was sorry?

Yamaguchi kept staring.

“Are you going to say something?” Kei asked nervously. “I mean, you don’t have to accept the apology, obviously. But I’d like to know either way. Obviously I’d prefer if you accepted it. But I don’t expect you to forgive me. I probably wouldn’t. As-”

“Shut up, Tsukki.” Yamaguchi smiled briefly. “I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have brought up the dinosaurs. Or your brother. I was just angry and frustrated. You’re always so determined to not need help, and I feel like I’ve been trying for so long, but nothing I do is good enough.” He looked close to tears again.

“That’s not true,” Kei said instantly, “You are good enough. You’re too good. That’s the problem. You’re too good, and you shouldn’t waste that on me.”

Yamaguchi’s mouth fell open. “What do you mean waste? It’s not a waste, Tsukki. You’re my friend. And you’re amazing, ok?”

Kei looked at him skeptically. “I treat you like crap. I treat everyone like crap, actually. I am a complete asshole when I’m not busy pretending other people don’t exist. I-”

“You are amazing.” When Kei still looked unconvinced, Yamaguchi shrugged. “At least believe that you’re good enough. If I’m good enough, you’re good enough.”

Good enough. For years, Kei’s whole life had centered around being good enough. And now that he was finally reaching for something more, he had it. If he was good enough for Yamaguchi, then perhaps, maybe, he could be good enough for anything. Maybe.

“Thanks,” he muttered. But Yamaguchi probably understood.

“So…” he said finally, “Are we good?”

Kei nodded. “I think so. You?”

“Yeah. Good. ‘Cause I’m actually kinda hungry.”

Kei smiled. “There are popsicles in the freezer.” 

“Great.” Yamaguchi got himself a popsicle and hopped up onto the counter next to Kei. “Not exactly the healthiest midnight snack, but it could be worse. At least Nishinoya-senpai didn’t eat them all.”

An hour later, Yamaguchi was looking sleepy again. Kei was feeling tired too, but he was glad when Yamaguchi rejected his suggestion that they go back to bed. They chatted on about nothing. Yamaguchi fell asleep first with his head propped up by the cabinets and the refrigerator. Kei might have been able to make it back to bed, but he didn’t fancy leaving Yamaguchi there by himself or carrying him. He put his cup in the sink, threw away the popsicle sticks, and then sat back up next to Yamaguchi. It took some shuffling, but he managed to find a comfortable position with his head on Yamaguchi’s shoulder and one leg dangling over the edge of the counter.

***

“Kageyama, go get my phone; I need to take a picture!” Hinata whispered.

“Get it yourself, dumbass.”

Hinata ran off. Ryuu snickered. He and Noya exchanged triumphant looks.

“They are so cute,” Noya whispered gleefully, “Again. Someone go get the others. They have to see this.”

“Suga probably saw them already,” Ryuu said, “But Daichi will be here any minute.”

Sure enough, Daichi showed up as Hinata was snapping pictures. At first he just stared at the kitchen, trying to process what he was seeing. Then he started laughing.

“Shh!” Ryuu hissed, “You’ll wake them up!”

“What’s going on?”

“KIYOKO-SAN!”

Ryuu and Noya both turned to see their beautiful manager, forgetting instantly about the need for quiet.

CRASH.

Ryuu turned back to the kitchen in time to see Yamaguchi slip off the counter with a squeak of surprise, dragging Tsukishima with him. They landed in a heap on the floor.

“Sorry, Tsukki.”

Tsukishima muttered something sleepy and incoherent. It was probably “Shut up Yamaguchi,” but Ryuu couldn’t be sure. 

Daichi strode over to help them up. “Are you hurt?” he asked, valiantly resisting joining in the others’ laughter.

“No,” Tsukishima grumbled, taking Daichi’s hand and getting to his feet.

“Yamaguchi?”

“I’m fine.” Yamaguchi stood up too, red in the face but otherwise unharmed.

“What were you doing in here anyway?” Daichi asked as Suga came in looking around for the source of the commotion.

Yamaguchi fiddled with his shirtsleeves. “We were eating popsicles and talking. I guess we just kinda...fell asleep.”

“On the counter? Really?” Daichi asked, though to be fair it wasn’t the weirdest thing his team had ever done.

“Yeah,” Yamaguchi said sheepishly. Tsukishima just sat down at the table and put his head on his arms.

“Wake me up when there’s food,” he said, and Yamaguchi smiled fondly.

“Glad that worked out,” Ryuu muttered to Noya, and Noya nodded.

“Do you think they’re together now or just back where they started?” Noya asked.

“Hmm. We’ll have to wait and see.”

***

Koutarou always hated the end of training camp. Too many goodbyes. This time was even worse because he had to apologize again, and he didn’t know if it would be accepted. It hadn’t really been accepted the first time. But Akaashi seemed to think it would go well, and Koutarou trusted Akaashi. Then again, he also trusted Kuroo, and Kuroo seemed less optimistic.

The teams were milling around outside by the buses exchanging goodbye handshakes and hugs. Kuroo and Koutarou made their way over to the mass of black that was Karasuno. Tsukishima was easy to spot.

“Hey, Tsukishima,” Kuroo said, and he turned to face them, face unreadable.

“Hey.”

“We wanted to apologize again before we leave,” Koutarou said, and he and Kuroo bowed quickly. “We’re very sorry for hurting you.”

When they straightened up, Tsukishima was looking at them like they’d just grown extra heads. “Um, thanks. I’m alright now though. It’s...fine.”

“He means ‘apology accepted,’” Karasuno’s pinch server said, appearing suddenly at Tsukishima’s side. Yama...Yamaguchi, right.

“Oh, great!” Koutarou said, and grinned at Kuroo, who smiled back. 

“Goodbye, Bokuto-san, Kuroo-san. See you at Nationals.”

“Bye, Tsukki!” Kuroo said brightly, smacking him on the shoulder. “Oh, sorry.” He glanced at Yamaguchi, who was glaring. “That’s _your_ name, isn’t it?” He raised his hands in surrender, grinning slyly. “I get it, it’s cool. Bye, Tsukishima. Bye, Freckles.” He walked away.

“Bye!” Koutarou said brightly, “See you at Nationals!” He ruffled Tsukishima’s hair, waved to Yamaguchi, and left. Akaashi was waiting with the rest of Fukurodani.

“How did it go?” he asked.

“He said it’s fine now, and he accepts our apology!” Koutarou cheered, “I think his friend might still be mad at us though,” he added. Akaashi looked over Koutarou’s shoulder at where the Karasuno team was getting onto the bus.

“Ah,” he said, “It’s possible, but I think he’s angrier with Kuroo-san than you. I wouldn’t worry about it.”

“Great!”

***

The ride back home from training camp was never as fun as the ride there. Hitoka slept most of the way, as did the majority of the team. Yamaguchi and Tsukishima were asleep almost before they left the parking lot, which wasn’t that surprising given how late they’d been awake last night. Hitoka still smiled when Yamaguchi’s head fell onto Tsukishima’s shoulder and Tsukishima made no move to push him off. She was soon distracted by the others’ conversation though, and then by her own sleepiness.

She woke up properly when they stopped for gas. Except for Asahi and Ennoshita, everyone else was awake too, though they were fairly quiet and still sleepy. Shouyou leaned over the back of the seat in front of him to talk to Hitoka..

“Hey, Yachi, do you know how much farther we have to go?”

“Another hour I think,” she said, “Assuming everything goes well.”

“Ooooh, that’s so long,” Shouyou whined.

“It’s not all bad,” Hitoka said cheerfully, “It’s interesting getting to see the team sleepy like this. Not that I’m watching them sleep or anything,” she added hastily, “Not in a creepy way. I don’t mean it like that.”

Shouyou smiled at her concern. “But what’s so interesting about that?”

“Well...Ennoshita-san looks sleepy all the time, but when he’s actually asleep, he looks less tired, which I guess makes sense.”

Shouyou looked back at Ennoshita. “Hmm, true. What else?” he asked curiously. Kageyama, Nishinoya, and Yamaguchi were all listening too now.

“Uh...Nishinoya-san doesn’t snore when he sleeps sitting up even though he’s usually so loud. And Kageyama’s face looks a lot less scary when he’s asleep. And Yamaguchi and Tsukishima are really cute together!” she finished enthusiastically.

Tsukishima and Yamaguchi choked. “What?” Yamaguchi said, “Me and Tsukki? But we’re not...I mean that’s silly.”

Tsukishima nodded silently and then turned to look out the window.

“O-oh!” Hitoka said, turning bright pink. “I didn’t mean to offend - I mean you just looked really...I thought you were cute like that, not that you’re normally not cute, but I just...oh…” She buried her red face in her hands and fell silent.

“It’s fine, Yachi!” Yamaguchi said, smiling. “We’re not offended.”

Tsukishima said nothing, but Hitoka figured he would if he disagreed. He didn’t look happy either, but then again, when did he?

_When he’s with Yamaguchi._

...Oh. That explained rather a lot. Tsukishima loved Yamaguchi. Yamaguchi was completely oblivious. Hitoka glanced back at them before turning to pay attention to Shouyou. Yamaguchi looked thoughtful, and Tsukishima was still staring out the window.

Well, this was just unacceptable. They were obviously made for each other, and Tsukishima was unhappy. As manager in training, Hitoka would have to find a way to solve this.

***

Tadashi flopped onto his bed fully-clothed. He had school tomorrow, and training camp had been exhausting in every possible way. He probably should have changed before lying down.

He had known in the back of his mind that Tsukki would one day have to face his anxiety and tell the team. He hadn’t expected it to be so soon or to happen because of Tsukki actually having a panic attack in front of them. Watching Tsukki like that was always painful, but it had been worse knowing that the whole team was watching. Partly because he had his own anxieties, partly because he knew Tsukki would hate it. But they had gotten through it.

Then there was the fight. Tadashi still couldn’t understand how things had escalated that quickly. He knew a lot of it was his own fault. But he wouldn’t let himself dwell too much on that. It was behind them, they had made up and fallen asleep on the counter together. He was fine, and Tsukki was fine. At least he had seemed fine until near the end of the bus ride. But that was probably just from being crowded into a bus with the team for so long after the weekend they’d had.

Before Tadashi could think of much more, he fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I told you a good thing would happen! Lots of good things happened! (I may be obsessed with writing angst, but I can't write angst forever.)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note that I know very little about their practice schedules and am pretty sure this is not how they work, but I have a plot to write.

Monday practice was slightly less intense than usual to give the team a chance to recover. Hitoka was happy to have a little more time to observe team interactions off the court. Particularly Tsukishima and Yamaguchi, but she was disappointed to find that they were interacting much the same as they always did. The interesting interactions were actually Tsukishima and everyone else. It wasn’t surprising that behaviors had changed, but Hitoka was fascinated by the team’s individual reactions.

Kageyama, for one, was alternating between being uncommonly courteous to Tsukishima when they interacted and staring at him intently when Tsukishima looked away. It probably wasn’t how Tsukishima wanted to be treated, but Hitoka hadn’t expected much better of Kageyama anyway. He would get over it soon, probably. Shouyou had been thoroughly chastised after asking Tsukishima if he had ever thrown up from anxiety. Now he was acting normally, which was a relief to everyone. 

The third years seemed to have decided that treating Tsukishima normally was important, but they had no idea how to do that anymore and seemed reluctant to actually be as strict as usual. Kinoshita, and Narita were generally managing to avoid interacting with him at all. Hitoka got the feeling they were waiting to see how he reacted to the others. Ennoshita was probably acting the most normally.

Nishinoya and Tanaka on the other hand, were acting very strangely, though not entirely unexpectedly. Usually first in line to criticize, now they jumped at any chance to praise or encourage Tsukishima.

When practice was over, Hitoka passed out towels and generally tried to be helpful.

“Nishinoya-san?”

“Huh?” Nishinoya turned, “Oh, thanks!”

Hitoka followed his previous line of sight to see Tsukishima and Yamaguchi standing together and chatting. Tsukishima was probably complaining about the others, if the look on his face was anything to go by. “Nishinoya-san,” she said slowly, “Don’t you think they look good together?”

Nishinoya startled. “Hah? I mean, well, yeah of course! Yamaguchi said they aren’t though, right?”

“They’re not together,” she agreed, and then she smiled, “Not yet.”

Nishinoya’s eyes widened. “I’m buying you ice cream! And then we’re making some plans. Ryuu!”

Tanaka jogged over. “What?”

“Yachi and I are going to do some plotting! Wanna join?”

“Ooooh, what kind?”

“The kind that gets Tsukishima and Yamaguchi to be a couple!”

“Yes!”

And that was how Hitoka found herself walking behind the rest of the team, whispering with Nishinoya and Tanaka. They told her what they had learned at training camp about Tsukishima’s feelings, and she told them her theories about Yamaguchi.

“I think he just doesn’t realize he likes Tsukishima that way. He definitely does, but maybe he’s in denial? Or could he actually be that oblivious?”

Tanaka shrugged. “He could be that oblivious. But either way, he just needs to know he has a chance.”

“Yeah, Yamaguchi’s the easier half,” Nishinoya said, “He just needs a nudge in the right direction. Tsukishima practically needs a full-scale intervention.”

“I don’t think he’d like that!” Hitoka said immediately, “What if it gave him another panic attack or what if it closed him up for good and he never talked to any of us again and-”

“Yachi-chan,” Tanaka said quickly, “We’re not going to have an actual intervention. Of course that would go terribly.”

“Oh. Good. I think we need to start small. You two were being extra nice to him during practice today. You keep that up, and I’ll try too. And I think I know what to do for Yamaguchi. Leave it to me.”

“You’re the best, Yac-chan!” Nishinoya said brightly, slinging an arm around her. “Now, how about that ice cream?”

***

Tadashi wasn’t entirely sure how he and Yachi had ended up staying behind to finish cleaning up while everyone else went ahead. He remembered seeing Nishinoya jump onto Tsukki’s back (when would they learn that Tsukki didn’t like touch?) as they left, which helped explain why Tsukki hadn’t waited. But it was all a little odd anyway. Not that he minded of course. He liked Yachi, and he was glad Tsukki was spending more time with the team.

“That was a good practice!” Yachi said as she locked up. Tadashi hadn’t known she had a set of keys. “Tsukishima was really on form today.”

“Yeah,” Tadashi said a little uncertainly. Tsukki had been good, but he hadn’t noticed anything especially spectacular today.

“Your serve and block attack seems like it’s getting really good. Have you guys been doing extra practice?” she asked. They started walking down the hill together.

“Uh, no, not recently,” Tadashi said, “We were going to work on them at training camp, but things kept getting in the way, you know? And Tsukki still doesn’t really like extra practice.”

Yachi nodded. “I see. Well, I guess it’s just your natural connection then!”

“I...guess so,” Tadashi said, and Yachi smiled at him.

“Do you think we can catch up to the others? Maybe the senpais will still buy us meat buns if we hurry!”

They sped up. Tadashi felt like something had just happened, but he had no idea what. Well, Yachi seemed happy anyway, so he supposed everything was fine.

Tanaka bought them meat buns, and Tadashi decided everything was great.

The next day, morning practice was pretty typical. Everyone was getting fired up for the Spring High, and all seemed to be going smoothly. Tadashi took a break from practicing serves to get some water.

Yachi handed him his water bottle with her usual bright smile. “I refilled it for you,” she said.

“Thanks!”

“Uh...Yamaguchi, is everything ok?” she asked hesitantly.

“What? Yeah, I’m fine,” he said, “Why?”

“Just...Tsukishima’s been watching you a lot, and I thought maybe he was worried about you. So I figured if he was worried about you I should maybe also worry about you.”

Tadashi looked over at Tsukishima and then back at Yachi. “He is? Well, I don’t think there’s anything to worry about, Yachi. Thanks for the concern, though!”

Yachi smiled again, and Tadashi jogged back onto the court.

Something about it bothered him for the rest of the day though. Why _had_ Tsukki been watching him? Apparently it had been obvious enough for Yachi to see it, but Tadashi hadn’t noticed. Now he couldn’t help glancing at Tsukki every so often during class to see if he was watching. He had caught him looking a few times, but Tsukki simply gave him a bored expression and looked away. That was fairly normal Tsukki behavior, though perhaps he was looking at Tadashi a little more often than usual. Then again, today’s lessons were pretty boring. Yachi joined them for lunch, and she seemed to be acting normally. Tadashi thought it would be a good time to assess how much Tsukki was looking at him and if it really was more than normal, but if anything, he was looking at him less during lunch.

He approached the gym with a combination of relief at getting out of the classroom desperate hope that he would actually be able to focus. This hope turned out to be in vain. He wasn’t _terrible_ or anything, but he kept catching himself thinking about Tsukki when he should have been watching the ball. Tanaka came up to him during a break.

“Hey, Yamaguchi, anything wrong? You seem distracted today.”

“N-no, Tanaka-san. I’m just a bit tired. Lessons were really boring today.” It wasn’t technically a lie.

“Ah, ok then. But you’ll be all fired up for the tournament, won’t you? We’re gonna put that serve and block technique to good use!” Tanaka slapped him on the back and wandered over to Nishinoya.

Tadashi bit back the urge to sigh. He turned around quickly, just in time to see Tsukki looking away. He _was_ watching him. But...why? And why did it matter so much? They were friends. Friends looked at each other. Maybe he and Tsukki looked at each other more often than other friends? But to be fair, they weren’t really the best example of normal friendship. He was being ridiculous. There was nothing to worry about.

Hitoka watched as Yamaguchi shook his head and went back to practice. She sighed. Time for more drastic measures. She, Tsukishima, and Yamaguchi miraculously ended up walking next to each other at the back of the group when the team went down to the store after practice.

“Tsukishima,” she started, doing her best to hide her nervousness, “when we were leaving training camp, did I hear Kuroo-san call you Tsukki?”

She hadn’t heard any such thing, but Tanaka had. And he had seen Yamaguchi’s reaction. His imitation of it was remarkably similar to the expression Yamaguchi had now.

“Yes,” Tsukishima said grumpily, “He does that sometimes.”

Drastic measures, Hitoka. Desperate times. “Do you like him?”

Tsukishima and Yamaguchi both looked shocked. Yamaguchi actually stumbled over his own feet.

“No,” Tsukishima said, “Why would I? Why does everyone think I’m gay? I mean I am, but why?”

“Sorry!” Hitoka said quickly because even if everything was going to plan, Tsukishima was still a bit scary when he was annoyed. “You just...seemed friendly, and I guess he’s pretty attractive, and he seemed to like you maybe so I thought I’d ask.”

“Well, no, I don’t like him.”

“Ok.”

They finished the walk in awkward silence. Hitoka glanced at Yamaguchi out of the corner of her eye. He was frowning, apparently deep in thought. She glanced the other way at Tsukishima. He was bright red. She smiled to herself, and when they met up with the others, she gave Nishinoya and Tanaka a quick triumphant grin.

***

Tadashi ran straight to his room as soon as he got home and flopped down on his bed. This was impossible. He and Tsukki were best friends, had been for years. Tsukki was cool and smart and had no interest in romance. Of course he liked Tadashi as a friend. He never would have put up with him all these years if he didn’t. But...he couldn’t possibly _like_ him. Tsukki...no way. He groaned and rolled over onto his back.

Then there was the equally-if-not-more important question of whether Tadashi liked Tsukki. Tadashi felt himself going red at the thought. Well, obviously he _admired_ Tsukki. Tsukki was great! Tsukki was...cool. And smart. Handsome too, like, objectively speaking. Tall. A complete dork in a really cute way. Tadashi put his hands over his face. Tsukki was really, really great.

This was all Yachi’s fault. If she hadn’t brought up Kuroo and - oh god that was jealousy. That was what had been bothering him when he saw them flirting. Or Kuroo flirting with Tsukki anyway. How long had this been happening? How long had Tadashi liked - _liked_ \- his best friend?

He kicked his legs helplessly. This was too much. Tsukki was too much.

“Damn it,” he whispered at the ceiling. What was he even supposed to do about this? He could, in theory, _tell_ Tsukki. But what if Tsukki didn’t like him back? He hadn’t really given any sign that he did. Other than apparently looking at him a lot. But Tsukki was weird; it might not mean anything.

In that case, he could keep quiet. Not say anything and hope that maybe someday Tsukki would say something first or his feelings would just go away. He tried to imagine either of those happening, but it seemed unlikely. But would staying silent hurt more than being rejected? He was interrupted from his musings by a knock on the door.

“Tadashi, dinner’s ready,” his mom called.

“Be right there,” he replied and got up.

He was quiet during dinner, letting his mother carry the conversation. She was good at that. They finished dinner and washed the dishes. Tadashi dried.

“...Mom?” he said finally.

“Yes?”

“Do you...have any advice on...love?”

Tadashi’s mother looked at him, surprised for a moment. Then she smiled. “I don’t know if I have the advice you’re looking for, Tadashi. But why don’t you tell me about it, and I’ll see what I can do?”

“Well...I like someone. But we’re also friends, and I don’t want to lose that. I don’t know if they like me back. So I don’t know if I should tell them or if that would make things weird. Or what if we did start dating but then we broke up? What if we stopped being friends? I don’t want that.”

“Hmm. Well, if you don’t tell them, won’t that hurt even more?”

“I don’t know,” Tadashi said, frowning, “Maybe? I only just figured out I like them. Maybe...maybe it’ll just go away.”

“Maybe,” his mother said reasonably. “But maybe it won’t. It’s up to you, Tadashi, but I’ve seen the way you look at him. I think you’ll regret it if you don’t say anything.” She smiled slyly.

“Moooom,” Tadashi groaned, “Why didn’t you say anything before?”

“I thought you would tell me when you were ready. And you did. So, what do you think? Confess to him?”

Tadashi sighed. “I think so.”

***

Kei usually had to wait at the corner for at least a minute for Yamaguchi in the morning. But today Yamaguchi was there first. Notable, but not that strange. They started walking, and Kei put his headphones down around his neck. Yamaguchi looked like he wanted to say something. Kei waited. Yamaguchi took a deep breath. Something important then.

“Tsukki, I really like you. In a romantic kind of way. I think you’re amazing, and I would love to go out with you.”

It took Kei a full minute to process Yamaguchi’s words. At which point his brain short-circuited. He kept walking on auto-pilot, staring straight ahead, waiting for meaningful thought to return. When it finally did, he found that it was almost worse. Yamaguchi liked him. Yamaguchi had just asked him out. Confessed to him. Yamaguchi wanted to date Kei, and Kei was not prepared for this at all. He probably should have felt happier than he did. Yamaguchi liked him! The person he liked liked him back. That should be a happy thing.

Kei didn’t feel especially happy about it though. Because how could he say yes? How could he, in good conscience, let Yamaguchi go out with him? This friendship was already selfish of him. Yamaguchi could easily find someone better. Kei didn’t know why he hadn’t already. He couldn’t possibly return Yamaguchi’s confession. But...he did like Yamaguchi. He loved Yamaguchi. This was everything he wanted, and turning it down felt impossible.

“...Tsukki?” Yamaguchi sounded almost scared, and Kei wanted to stop it, but he couldn’t. He didn’t know what to say. He kept walking, and he could see the school now. “Tsukki, say something?” What could he say? There was nothing he could say so they would both be happy. “Just stop walking for a minute.” Yamaguchi put a hand on his arm, and Kei stopped.

“Tsukki...if you don’t feel the same, you can say so,” Yamaguchi said nervously, “But I think...if you felt that way, you would have said so already. But if you feel the same as I do, why not say that?”

Kei was doing his best not to panic. He could fix this right now. He could say he hesitated because he wanted to spare Yamaguchi’s feelings. That was almost believable. He could say it. He could. He opened his mouth, but the words wouldn’t come.

“Tsukki, do you like me or not?” Yamaguchi sounded annoyed now, and Kei knew he would know if Kei lied. He would know. Yamaguchi stared up at his face like he was searching for something. Kei had no idea what he would find. “Tsukki, you have to say something.”

“I can’t.”

“Can’t what?”

“Anything.”

Couldn’t tell him he loved him, couldn’t stop loving him, couldn’t love him the way Yamaguchi deserved, could never be as open with his emotions as Yamaguchi would need him to be, could never be good enough with people or feelings to support Yamaguchi like he should.

Yamaguchi continued looking at his face for a bit. Then he rolled his eyes. “Really, Tsukki?” he said finally, exasperated. “I can make my own decisions, okay? I know you. I know who you are, and I know who you’re not. And I didn’t confess to you so you could tell me you know what’s good for me better than I do.”

“That’s...not…”

“Isn’t it? You think you’re not good enough for me,” Yamaguchi said loudly, “Well, here’s some news for you, Tsukki. You are. You are as good as I want, and nothing you say will convince me otherwise.”

“But...Yamaguchi, that...that’s stupid.”

“I love you, Tsukki! That’s not stupid! Now stop hating yourself and accept it.”

Kei took a step back, eyes wide. “You...love me?”

“That’s what I said, isn’t it? I love you. And if anyone hates the people I love, I’ll fight them. So you’d better stop hating yourself.”

Kei couldn’t help a small smirk at that. “You’ll fight me?”

“...Yeah. If you don’t stop being stupid. Tsukki, you’re really not a bad person. I don’t care if you’re rude or mean or whatever people say about you, whatever you think about yourself. You’re Tsukki. I love you.” Yamaguchi looked at him expectantly.

In theory, he could still lie and say he didn’t love Yamaguchi back. But in practice, Yamaguchi loved him, which meant there had to be something worth loving. And in practice, Kei loved Yamaguchi too much to deny it anymore. So in practice, he said, “I love you too.” And if anyone but Yamaguchi asked, he would deny the crack in his voice to his dying day.

Yamaguchi smiled at him. Then he brought his lips up to meet Kei’s, soft and warm and a little unsure because it was the first kiss for both of them. But hopefully the first of many, Kei thought. They pulled apart, and Yamaguchi rocked back on his heels, pink-cheeked but still smiling. “Um.”

“C’mon,” Kei said finally, “We’ll be late.” They continued walking.

“Does this mean you’re my boyfriend now, Tsukki?”

“I guess so.” Kei smiled. He liked the sound of that.

“Does that mean you should start calling me Tadashi?”

“...Shut up, Tadashi.” He shook his head. “Doesn’t sound right yet. Someday.”

_Someday_. As far as Kei was concerned, they suddenly had all the somedays in the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know, there are some characters who are just really hard for me to write. So of course I put most of the chapter in Yachi's point of view. Of course.
> 
> Only two chapters left, and I really hope you like them! I am _so_ happy about the amount of love this fic is getting, and there may be some kind of side stories at some point! Do keep letting me know your thoughts and any suggestions! :)


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I...I have no excuse. But I don't know what you expected from me.

Shouyou was normally happy to eat lunch with almost anyone other than Tsukishima. But he was supposed to make more of an effort at team bonding, which meant that for the past few days, he and the other first years from the volleyball team had eaten lunch together. Today was the same. They met in Tsukishima and Yamaguchi’s classroom. At first, everything seemed normal. Then he noticed that Yachi was watching Tsukishima and Yamaguchi interact much more closely than was usual. They didn’t seem to have noticed anything, but Shouyou started watching them too. They seemed like themselves. They were paying more attention to each other than usual, maybe?

“You _are_ together! Finally!” Yachi said suddenly, “Sorry, that was loud.”

“It...uh, it’s fine,” Yamaguchi said uncertainly. Tsukishima nodded.

Shouyou stared at Yachi, who was looking starry-eyed, then turned to Tsukishima and Yamaguchi. Yamaguchi had turned bright red, and Tsukishima was not far behind.

“What...?” Shouyou asked, very confused. Kageyama shrugged, but no one else answered.

“Oh my gosh, this is wonderful!” Yachi said enthusiastically, “When did this happen?”

“This morning,” Yamaguchi said, “We, um...talked.”

“You’re _together_!?” Shouyou said loudly, finally processing what they were saying.

Yamaguchi glanced at Tsukishima. “Yeah,” he said, smiling slightly. “Yeah, we are.”

Shouyou stared at them some more. Tsukishima and Yamaguchi. It...worked. They were always together anyway. He still didn’t understand how anyone could like Tsukishima that much, but like Suga had said, he trusted Yamaguchi’s judgement. Sort of. Tsukishima was a jerk pretty much all the time, but he probably had hidden depths or something that Yamaguchi knew about. It worked. And of course Tsukishima loved Yamaguchi. How could anyone not like Yamaguchi?

“...Congratulations,” he said finally.

Tsukishima looked surprised, but Yamaguchi grinned.

“Thanks, Hinata.”

***

They hadn’t exactly planned on coming out together, but they were being fairly obvious about it. And besides, even though there wasn’t nothing to fear, there were worse places to be openly gay than Karasuno. Kei wasn’t too concerned. Hopefully the team would all be accepting, but if they weren’t...well, he would deal. Nishinoya had taken it into stride that Kei was gay, and Yachi had apparently been ecstatic about him and Yamaguchi being together. Hinata and Kageyama had been a bit awkward at first, but by the end of lunch they were acting completely normally again. Well, normal for them. Plus, Kei reasoned, Nishinoya had said Yamaguchi was obviously bi, so it would make sense if the rest of the team had noticed and accepted it too.

In short, Kei was prepared for some awkwardness, braced for disaster, and hoping to just get it over with when he and Yamaguchi entered the gym holding hands. He was not prepared for Nishinoya and Tanaka to start screaming.

“RYUUUUUUUUUUU! IT WORKED!” Nishinoya jumped, and Tanaka lifted him into the air without a second thought. They continued yelling, and Kei tuned them out to the best of his abilities. Instead, he focused on the rest of the team’s reactions. They had all looked over when Nishinoya started yelling, and all of them were smiling in a way that was making Yamaguchi turn very red. Kei resisted the urge to pull away and pretend nothing had happened. He didn’t need to be embarrassed. As long as he avoided looking at Sugawara’s face or anywhere near their captain, he would be fine.

Practice proceeded as normally as could be expected with the Spring High tournament coming up. Kei was exhausted by the time it ended and couldn’t wait to get home and sleep. It had been a long, eventful day. He smiled. Good events though.

“Tsukishima, Yamaguchi, could we talk to you for a minute?” It was Daichi and Suga. Somehow, the four of them were the last ones in the club room. Kei suspected it was deliberate.

“Sure,” Yamaguchi said. Kei nodded, not like they really had a choice.

“Great!” Suga smiled and sat down, gesturing for them to do the same. “First of all, we’re really happy for both of you.”

“Suga’s especially happy because he won our bet on who would get together first,” Daichi said. “Even though he probably cheated.”

Kei wanted to ask who the other candidates were, but at the same time he wasn’t actually sure he wanted to know.

“I don’t cheat. I’m just a good vice captain,” Suga said sweetly. “Anyway, that’s not the point. We’re both really happy for you. And we wanted to make sure you knew that you can talk to us about anything.”

“Um...of course,” Yamaguchi said, sounding about as confused as Kei felt.

“Really,” Daichi said, “If you need advice…”

“Or someone to talk to-”

“Being openly gay can be tough. If you need backup-”

“If you need moral support-”

“Education-”

“Condoms-”

“Anything, really, just talk to us.”

Kei’s face spasmed, and Yamaguchi was perfecting his stoplight imitation.

“Suga, did you really just say condoms?” Daichi asked, also looking a bit red.

Suga smiled serenely, but Kei knew that look too well by now to be fooled. “I’m covering for all eventualities.”

“You’re embarrassing our first years.”

“It’s good for them.”

Kei would have objected, but he seemed to have misplaced his vocal cords.

“Um...thank you, we’ll...keep that in mind,” Yamaguchi stammered.

“Honestly, though,” Suga said, seriously now, “You can talk to us about anything. I promise I won’t be that embarrassing.”

“Right,” Kei said, having found his voice again, “Thanks.”

“Actually that reminds me,” Daichi said, “Do you mind if we talk to Tsukishima alone for a minute, Yamaguchi?”

“Uh...sure,” Yamaguchi said. He was still bright red and looked grateful for the excuse to leave. Again, Kei wanted to object, but looking at Daichi’s face, it didn’t really seem like an option.

Yamaguchi left.

“So...what did you want to talk to me about?”

Daichi put on his best “I am the captain” face and said, “We know you don’t like discussing it, but we want to make sure we can be as accommodating as possible for you. Especially if we’re sleeping somewhere else as a team.”

“We know you don’t want us to make a scene about it either,” Suga added, “But even little things that we can do to make you more comfortable would be great to know about.”

Kei frowned at his knees. “I don’t want you to go to any trouble. I’ll be fine.”

“But if we can help you be better than fine, shouldn’t we?” Daichi said in a way that made it really not a question.

Kei sighed. “Fine. Ok. I don’t think there’s really anything you can do about it, but if you insist. Basically, it sucks to be in a crowded or enclosed space or sometimes just to be. But generally speaking, it’s manageable. Last weekend was just particularly bad.”

Suga nodded. “And how do you usually manage?”

“I have my headphones, which help with sensory overload or whatever. And Yamaguchi helps too.”

“How so?”

“Just...by being there, I guess,” Kei said awkwardly. He really didn’t want to go into detail about the feeling of security and solidity that came with Yamaguchi’s presence. He didn’t want to go into detail about any of this, actually.

“Ok,” Daichi said, “And what makes it worse?”

Kei shrugged. “Being around a lot of people, being stuck places. Bus rides aren’t great, but Yamaguchi’s there, and I have my headphones if it gets bad.”

“Have you ever talked to a therapist? Or tried anything like that?”

“No.”

“You might consider it,” Suga said, “There’s nothing shameful about it, and it can be good to talk to someone.”

Kei nodded noncommittally

“Well, thanks for the talk,” Daichi said, standing up, “We should be sure to get a good night’s sleep tonight.”

Kei nodded again and stood up too, following them out the door. They were at the bottom of the stairs when they heard voices.

“-Believe any self-respecting athlete would want a fuckin’ fairy like you on their team.”

Kei turned. Three boys were crowded around a fourth in a dimly lit spot at the corner of the building.

“Well, you’re wrong.” Yamaguchi’s voice was frightened and shaky, but there was a steely note of pride in it that, if Kei weren’t too preoccupied with fury, he would have been incredibly proud and pleased to hear. “I’m their pinch server, and they need me.”

The three boys laughed, but Kei, Daichi, and Suga had reached them. Kei cleared his throat, and they turned. Yamaguchi’s face was now visible behind them, so relieved that Kei knew he must have been terrified. He shoved his way through to his side.

“Is there a problem?” Sugawara asked dangerously politely. Yamaguchi was watching, wide-eyed, and Kei quietly took hold of his hand.

“Who are you?” one of the boys asked rather rudely.

“Sawamura Daichi, Volleyball Team Captain, and Sugawara Koushi, Vice Captain,” Daichi said, “What are you doing with our kouhai?”

“Nothing. Just a friendly debate about what kind of person can or can’t be a good athlete.”

Kei sniffed derisively. “I doubt any of you could have any kind of stimulating intellectual conversation with Yamaguchi. As for who can be a good athlete, I think you’ll find it requires more brains than you have. Not that that’s saying much,” he added, thinking briefly of Hinata. The three bullies looked furious, but that was nothing to how Kei felt, so he paid no mind.

“Tsukishima,” Suga said warningly. As if Kei were the one in the wrong or something.

“As fascinating as that debate must have been,” Daichi said, “I think you should leave Yamaguchi alone.” He gestured for them to leave, and they did so, grumbling and glaring all the way.

“Are you alright?” Suga asked once they were gone.

Yamaguchi smiled. “I’m fine now. Thanks.”

“I’m sure you could have handled them,” Daichi started, but Yamaguchi shook his head.

“No. I couldn’t have. But I wouldn’t have backed down either, so I guess I’m improving.” He smiled again at the looks on Daichi’s and Suga’s faces. “I know better than to listen to them. Don’t worry.”

“Ok then,” Suga said, “If you’re sure. Well, we should all get home and get some sleep tonight.”

They walked away together until Kei and Yamaguchi took a different turn. Then the two of them continued in comfortable silence. Kei was still holding Yamaguchi’s hand.

“Tsukki,” Yamaguchi said finally, “We’re dating now.”

“...Yeah….”

“What does that mean? I mean,” Yamaguchi said quickly, “I know what it means. We love each other, and now we know it. But...are we going to go on an actual date? Do we just hold hands and kiss and stuff now? What changes?”

“Do you want to go on a date?” Kei asked. He had sort of assumed they would once they had time.

“Hmm. I think we should go on a date. Though we do already see each other every day. And for the rest of it...I guess we’ll find out. We’re already so close. So I suppose we just keep doing that except...more?”

Kei squeezed Yamaguchi’s hand. “Sounds good to me.”

Yamaguchi smiled and leaned up to kiss him. “Hey, Tsukki?” he said a few moment later. “Aren’t you worried about making those guys mad? You said some pretty insulting things.”

“Tch. I’m not worried about them. I was just worried about you. But you are ok, right?”

“Yeah,” Yamaguchi said, “I’m fine. I was really scared at first, but then you and Daichi-san and Suga-san showed up, and I felt safe. I just don’t want them to go after you.”

Kei shrugged. “They’re a bunch of cowardly idiots. I’ll be fine.”

***

In some universe it might have been true, but in this one Kei had the worst luck in the world. Practice was in fifteen minutes, Kei had managed to be early, and he had taken the time to go for a walk by himself. He set off down one of the less traveled paths between the gym and a mostly abandoned parking lot. Kei rarely saw anyone else walking this way, and it was mostly hidden from the front of the school.

He didn’t notice the four boys on the path ahead until they had noticed him.

“Hey, look! It’s the gay glasses jerk!”

Kei looked up. Ugh. He recognized three of the boys from yesterday. The fourth was new, but he was looking at Kei with the same hatred and malice as the other three. Great. Kei considered turning around and walking the other way, but they would probably catch up to him unless he ran, and he didn’t want to run. On the other hand, he wasn’t about to keep walking towards them. So he stopped and let them come to him. Minimal effort and made them walk more.

“We were kinda hoping to run into you,” one of them said. He seemed to be the leader.

“I’m not exactly difficult to find,” Kei said tonelessly, “Unless you’re trying to find me without other people around of course.”

“Your team seems happy to let you wander off on your own though,” said the one to his right with the stupid haircut, “Even your _boyfriend_. What, don’t they want you around?”

Kei raised an eyebrow. It was obvious he wasn’t a team player, but really, did they expect to get a rise out of him using that? He was almost disappointed. “They understand I don’t need three people behind me at all times to feel secure.”

“Maybe you oughtta rethink that.” The four boys stepped closer, and Kei sighed internally. He hadn’t really wanted to fight. He was fairly confident he could handle himself okay if it came to physical violence, but it was four on one, and he really didn’t want to damage his headphones or get in trouble. Or get hurt. Still, it seemed that he was in too deep to back out now. Walking away would only end in an undignified chase scene if these guys were as angry as he thought they were. No escape. He wasn’t exactly panicking, but somewhere in the back of his mind under the layers of apathy and carefully funneled rage, he could feel the anxiety from the situation bubbling up. He stomped on it mentally.

“If you and your boyfriend were as smart as you think, you’d stay a lot closer to your stupid volleyball team,” dumb haircut said.

And now they were threatening Yamaguchi. Again.

“And if you weren’t all dumber than the stupidest person on the volleyball team, you’d stay a lot farther away.”

The leader sneered. Honestly sneered. It was weird and not at all as intimidating as he probably thought it was. “You think they’ll come to your rescue or something? Why the hell would anyone come to _your_ rescue? You’re a gay, mouthy homo, and they probably only keep you around ‘cause you’re tall and they’re not allowed to kick you out.”

Kei shrugged. “Maybe. But I can at least take comfort in that I’m still not as pathetic as you.”

He smirked slightly as the first fist came his way. He mostly dodged, and the situation deteriorated from there.

He had been right about his fighting abilities. He managed to defend himself pretty well for a little while, even successfully fought back, but all too soon his luck ran out. It started with one solid hit to his face, which threw him off enough to tip the balance even more severely in their favor. After that, it was a bit of a blur of pain and annoyance. He was sure he managed to elbow one of them in the face though. Then one of them kicked his knees out from under him, and Kei basically resigned himself to defeat.

“Still think you’re not the pathetic one, fa-”

“UWAAAAAAAA!”

Kei would recognize that shout anywhere, and he had never been less annoyed or more surprised to hear it. He looked up as three more yells rang out, also instantly recognizable, but he had never heard them quite this angry. His attackers looked up too, and Kei tried to use their distraction to get to his feet, but they shoved him back down. He fell backward, elbows scraping on the pavement, but luckily catching him before he hit his head. He heard Tanaka and Nishinoya’s roars of fury from behind him, and before he could fully register what was happening, Nishinoya was in front of him, shoving dumb haircut back and steaming with rage.

Kei had seen Nishinoya furious before, furious at him even, but this...this was new. This wasn’t the Nishinoya who yelled at Kei and Yamaguchi for laughing at him or glared at anyone who looked at Shimizu. This was the Guardian Deity of Karasuno in all his 159.3 cm of glory.

“ _Back the fuck off_!”

Tanaka stepped up next to Nishinoya and grabbed the back of his shirt to stop him leaping into action. Kei would have reacted to the irony if he’d had any thought or emotion to spare. Kageyama and Hinata followed Tanaka and stood on either side of him and Nishinoya. Kei found himself, perhaps for the first time, looking up at his teammates. They might be complete idiots, but with their backs to him, facing down the enemy like that, he felt...safe.

“Oi, you messing with my kouhai, Kagome?” Tanaka snarled, addressing the leader of the bullies. “You’d better listen to Noya and get lost.”

“What, this guy? You seriously stepping in to defend _him_?”

Kei watched, stunned, as Tanaka, Nishinoya, Kageyama, and Hinata stood there, braced for a fight. Tanaka and Nishinoya he sort of understood. They were always ready to fight, though Kei had to admit he’d never seen them this serious about it. But as hot-headed as Kageyama and Hinata were, Kei had never expected them to get in an actual fight, certainly not over him. And anyway this was all ridiculous. None of those four should be leaping to his defense like this. They could get hurt. Kei wasn’t worth it. They didn’t even _like_ him. Why were they standing in front of him ready to get in a fight and get in trouble - Nishinoya would be in so much trouble with his record, and Tanaka would be heartbroken by Takeda’s disappointed look. Kageyama and Hinata would _miss practice or possibly even the tournament if they got hurt_ \- for him?

“Leave him alone,” Hinata said, and Kei couldn’t see it, but he was pretty sure he had that look on his face. The dead-eye ‘nothing comes between me and victory, I will destroy you,” look.

“The whole volleyball team’s gonna come looking soon,” Tanaka said, and Kei couldn’t tell if he was bluffing or not. “You think you can take all of us? Or are you going to leave?”

“...Whatever. We were done here anyway.” They left, one of them pinching his bloody nose, two of them muttering darkly to each other.

“Tsukishima, are you ok?”

Before Kei knew what was happening, all four of them were kneeling next to him looking extremely worried.

“Those bastards. I know their names, we’ll get them back for this,” Tanaka growled.

“Your nose is bleeding. And your mouth. We should get you to the nurse,” Hinata said.

“I’m fine,” Kei said, but it was probably the least convincing he’d ever said it.

“There’s a first aid kit in the gym. That’s closer,” Kageyama said.

“Can you stand, Tsukishima?”

“Yeah.” Kei pushed himself up, but his side throbbed as he did so, causing him to hiss in pain and lean on Tanaka momentarily for support. He straightened up slowly, swiping a hand across his face to get rid of some of the blood.

“Are you sure you’re alright? What did they do? Why were they beating you up?” Hinata was bouncing along next to him as they walked slowly back to the gym.

“I’m fine. They’re a bunch of assholes who were threatening Yamaguchi yesterday. Daichi-san, Suga-san, and I interrupted. I was mouthing off. Guess they held a grudge. And they weren’t beating me up. I was doing fine.” It was a pretty blatant lie, and Kei wasn’t surprised when Nishinoya scoffed.

“You were on your knees, Tsukishima. And it was four on one, so that’s impressive enough.”

“Ugh, how could anyone threaten Yamaguchi?” Hinata said angrily. “He’s like, the nicest.”

“Apparently they don’t like gay people,” Kei said flatly.

Hinata’s eyes widened. “Oh.”

“Assholes,” Tanaka grumbled.

They reached the gym and entered.

“ _There_ you are,” Suga said at once, “We were - what happened!?”

“Holy shit,” Kinoshita said loudly as everyone turned to look at Kei.

“Tsukki!”

“Oh my god what happened are you okay no obviously you’re not okay you should sit down oh my gosh you’re bleeding what happened!?”

“What the hell?”

“Shimizu, first aid kit?”

Kei sat down, and the team plus Yachi, Takeda, and Ukai gathered around. Nishinoya and Tanaka were trying to explain, helped and hindered equally by Hinata. Yamaguchi sat next to Kei and listened, looking more horrified by the second.

“It wasn’t that bad,” Kei muttered.

“You’re bleeding. It was bad enough,” Ukai said. “Sensei, we can get those boys suspended or something, right?”

Takeda nodded. “Definitely. We’ll need to report to this to the principal immediately though. Once Tsukishima is cleaned up of course.”

Shimizu arrived with the first aid kit and instructed Kei to tip his head back and hold a tissue up to his nose. Also to take his shirt off, which he did, wincing as he raised his arms. That could be a problem. He glanced down before tilting his head back again. There were a few large bruises already forming on his torso, but it seemed that was the worst of it. It wasn’t like those four morons had enough strength or skill to actually cause _that_ much damage with a punch. Then there were the scrapes on his elbows and knees, another bruise on his arm, and two more on his face along with the bloody nose and a split lip. Plus he was sore all over. Luckily, his glasses and headphones had both managed to survive.

Shimizu patched him up while Yamaguchi and Yachi fretted and assisted. Not that there was so much to assist with really. The rest of the team was still milling around talking about it. Nishinoya was complaining to Asahi about Tanaka holding him back. Hinata was describing a very dramatic rescue to Ennoshita, occasionally interrupted by Kageyama. Suga and Daichi were discussing plans with Takeda and Ukai. Kei wanted to ask why they couldn’t just continue practice without him, but talking while Shimizu was cleaning his split lip seemed like a bad idea.

“How’s your nose?”

“I think it’s almost stopped,” he said. Shimizu nodded and packed away the first aid kit. “Thanks.”

She gave him a tiny smile and left to put the kit away.

“Tsukishima, what exactly happened before the others arrived?” Daichi asked.

“I was going for a walk. They saw me, called out. I stopped walking and they came up to me. We talked. They threw the first punch.”

“You talked?” Ennoshita said, “About what?”

“Does it matter?”

“In terms of getting those boys suspended without getting you in trouble, it might,” Takeda said, “It shouldn’t, but it might.”

Kei huffed. “I don’t remember all of it. They said they were hoping to run into me. I said something back. Something about me being alone, something about them being cowards and idiots. They threatened me and Yamaguchi, I called them pathetic. Then one of them punched me.”

The entire team looked even angrier, and Kei rolled his eyes. He didn’t have the energy for this right now. And they didn’t have the time to be angry when they should be practicing.

“It’s fine now. Don’t you all need to practice?”

“Shouldn’t we go with you to the principal?” Kageyama asked, “I mean, we’re witnesses or something, right?”

Kei couldn’t believe his ears. “Did you just...object to volleyball practice?”

Kageyama shrugged.

“Has this entire team gone completely insane?” Kei snapped. “I was mouthing off. I got in a fight. It happens. Why are you all standing around looking like someone murdered your favorite sibling? Why were you four-” he pointed at Tanaka, Nishinoya, Kageyama, and Hinata “-willing to jump into a fight to defend me? What the hell is going on?”

Silence reigned for a moment. Then Yamaguchi sighed.

“You’re so dumb,” he whispered, shaking his head.

“Tsukishima…” Daichi said slowly, “You’re part of this team.” As if that explained everything.

“So?”

“You’d do the same for us. Even if you don’t act like it,” Kinoshita said.

“But you don’t even like me.”

“Oh for the love of -” Ukai cut himself off and threw his hands in the air in surrender.

“You’re part of the team,” Hinata repeated as if it were the most obvious thing in the world and _Kei_ was being the dumb one.

“Your personality can be terrible sometimes,” Asahi said nervously, “But you’re our teammate, and you’re a good person. You’re worth defending.”

Kei just stared at them all, letting it sink in. They really did care. They saw something worth caring about in him, even though he was the way he was, even though he said the things he said. They were sticking with him, just like Yamaguchi.

“...Oh. Right.”

Yamaguchi shook his head again, but he was smiling. “Ok, now that we’ve got that settled, Tsukki should go tell the principal. I’ll go too. They did threaten me earlier.”

“I should go too,” Tanaka said, “I know their names.”

“Alright.”

“Hurry back,” Ukai said as they stood up, “And if he gives you any shi-trouble, come get one of us.”

Kei left the gym with Yamaguchi and Tanaka. Takeda ended up coming with them anyway too.

When they were gone, Suga said, “Well, at least he sort of trusts us now.”

Asahi nodded. “He seemed really shocked that any of us would defend him.”

“Well he’s an idiot.” Daichi shrugged.

“Um,” Yachi said, “I think Tsukishima doesn’t really have friends outside volleyball. So he probably thought we wouldn’t be friends with him either.”

“That’s sad,” Noya said bluntly, “But even if we’re not friends with him, he’s part of the team. He’s family! Like the bratty little brother you want to strangle but no one else is allowed to ‘cause he’s _ours_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I mean, my excuse was that I needed something to get these bits resolved. You can decide if it's good enough. :D


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR READING, COMMENTING, BOOKMARKING, AND LEAVING KUDOS! I have a comment face now. It's the face I make when I get a comment, and apparently my mom can identify it easily. Also! I realize I haven't been replying to comments on this fic! I'm not sure why that is, but I'll probably go through and reply to some of them at some point. But as a catch-all kind of reply: WOW THANK YOU!
> 
> Now, enjoy this rather short, just-past-the-deadline-I-set-for-myself chapter!  
> (Basically, I had about eight chapters written but unedited when I started publishing this, but I caught up to myself with chapter 10. Hence the lateness.) (Also my beta has lots of homework and like, a life or something. So there's that.)

The visit with the principal was awkward and terrible. Luckily, the vice principal _wasn’t_ there. If he had been, Kei was sure he, Nishinoya, and possibly Tanaka would have been punished too. There was some talk of Kei getting detention for fighting too, but in a stunning show of stubbornness and persuasion, Takeda talked them out of it. As it was, it was mostly awkward. Kogame and the other boys who had _totally not beaten him up_ got suspended, which was fine, but Kei and Yamaguchi were also outed to the school administration, which was uncomfortable to say the least. And then parents were called, and Kei’s mother insisted on coming to the school despite Kei’s insistence that she didn’t need to. Which meant that she knew too. Kei had yet to hear much of a reaction from her as they got in the car and drove home. He wasn’t sure what to expect, but he hoped she would say something sooner rather than later. If he had learned anything, it was that putting off these conversations didn’t end well.

They pulled into the driveway, but his mom made no move to leave the car. Ok, they were doing this now.

“Kei...how long have you known?”

“That I’m gay?” he asked.

“Yes.”

He shrugged. “A few years.”

“Why didn’t you tell us?”

“I didn’t think I would need to tell you, and I figured that way you wouldn’t have to deal with it either.” 

“We could have dealt with it,” she said softly, “Kei, if something’s important to you, we can always make time to deal with it.”

“It wasn’t that important to me.”

“Well...okay. And how long have you and Tadashi been together?”

“Since yesterday morning.” 

His mother smiled. “I thought you seemed happier last night. So, who confessed first?”

“Mom, really?”

She shrugged. “I can ask, can’t I?”

“You could also not. ...He confessed first.”

“I thought so!”

Kei got out of the car. 

“Kei, do you want to tell your brother?”

He shrugged. “If he asks.”

“He’ll probably ask what happened to your face.”

“Then I’ll tell him.”

“Kei?”

He turned around. “Yes?”

“I...you know I love you, right? This doesn’t change anything. And I’m sure it won’t for your brother or father either.”

“Right. I mean, I know. Yeah. Thanks.” He turned back around and went inside.

His father was working late, but Akiteru was home, presumably. Kei toed off his shoes and called out a greeting.

“Kei, you’re home! What happened? Holy crap, _what happened_?” Akiteru stumbled to a halt in front of him, staring at his face.

“Uh...it’s not as bad as it looks?” Kei said and moved into the living room to flop onto the couch. Akiteru followed and stood in front of him, staring expectantly. “Some second years were threatening Yamaguchi yesterday, and then I stepped in and there were insults and, basically today they tried to beat me up for being gay.”

“Tried? It looks like they succeeded.”

“It was four on one,” Kei grumbled, “But then my teammates stepped in. I’m fine now. Are you going to react to the rest of what I said?”

“Wh - oh! The part about you being gay? I knew that.”

“You knew?”

“Well, no. Not really. But I’m not caring about that until I know what the hell happened.”

“I told you what happened.”

Akiteru frowned at him. “What happened when your teammates got there?”

“They made the other guys back off and we went back to the gym. Then some of us went to see the principal, and the ones who attacked me got suspended.”

“Should’ve been expelled,” Akiteru grumbled, and Kei couldn’t really disagree. “But what about you? Are you okay? What kind of injuries?”

“I’m fine. Just a bunch of bruising and a few scrapes. Shimizu-san and the nurse both patched me up.”

Akiteru nodded. Then he sank down onto the couch next to Kei and let his head fall back on top of the cushions. “So...you’re gay. It’s not really surprising, honestly. And I’m supporting you one hundred percent no matter what anyone else says.”

“Mhm. So far no one important has said anything against that.”

“Good. Uh, Kei? How come random people at your school knew you were gay before I did?” Kei frowned. “I’m not mad!” Akiteru said quickly, “I mean, I wish you had told me, but I...I guess I do understand why you didn’t.”

Kei stayed silent for a few seconds, gathering his thoughts. “I didn’t want to make a big fuss about it,” he said finally, “So I never really told anyone. But Yamaguchi and I got together yesterday, and I guess we just...didn’t bother about hiding it. And now just about everyone knows.”

“What about Mom and Dad?”

“Mom found out when she came to pick me up. Dad doesn’t know, I guess.” Kei sighed. “He’s going to make a fuss about it, isn’t he.”

Akiteru shrugged. “Maybe. I mean, your face is pretty scary looking now. That’s worth making a fuss about at least.”

“Ha. You want a fuss, you should have seen the team. Kageyama actually volunteered to go to the principal’s office instead of practice. It doesn’t get much fussier than that.”

“Well, I’m glad someone’s fussing over you. You’ll never do it yourself.”

“It’s stupid and unnecessary,” Kei protested.

“But it’s nice. ...And it means your embarrassing big brother doesn’t have to go beat up a bunch of high school kids.”

***

Kei went to bed slightly early that night, doing his best to ignore the dull aches all over, eased only so much by painkillers. He was glad it was almost the weekend again. Despite only being back in school for about a week, Kei was completely exhausted. It wasn’t surprising, given everything that had happened over such a short period of time. But despite how tired he was, he found falling asleep impossible. After an hour and a half of lying awake, he sat up and put his glasses back on.

His room was dark, but he also kept it clean, so it was easy enough to walk to the door without tripping or stubbing his toe on anything. He went to the freezer to get ice for his face, which was throbbing painfully. Then he stood in the kitchen, trying to figure out something to do while he waited for sleep.

“Kei?”

“Akiteru.” Kei didn’t turn around.

“You should be asleep.”

“Hm.”

“Did your face hurting wake you up? Or could you not sleep?” It sounded like Akiteru already knew the answer.

“Couldn’t sleep,” Kei said, “It’s...it’s okay though.”

“Is it really, or are you just saying that?” Akiteru moved to stand in front of Kei. “C’mon, Kei. It’s me. You don’t have to hide this stuff if something’s bothering you.”

“There’s nothing specific,” Kei said honestly, “Just...a lot of stuff happened this week. It’s still processing.”

Akiteru gave him a concerned look. “What lot of stuff? Aside from the fight and Yamaguchi.”

“The last few days of training camp,” Kei said, pausing to choose his next words carefully, “They were...hard.”

“How so? You didn’t say much about them before.”

“Panic attacks,” he said shortly, “One in front of the whole team. But...four total. In two days. And now the team knows.”

“Oh.” Akiteru struggled for appropriately comforting words. “How...are you okay now?”

“I said I was, didn’t I?”

“Yes, but you always say that.”

Kei grimaced. “I’m...mostly okay. I still don’t like that the team knows, but they’re not taking it as badly as I thought they would, I guess.”

“Well, that’s good anyway.”

“Yeah. I’m...working on the whole trust thing.”

Akiteru felt a stab of guilt. “I’m glad,” he said anyway, “Your team seems like they’re good people.”

“They’re idiots. ...But sure.” Kei yawned, wincing at the strain on his face.

“You should go back to bed.”

“Fine. What about you?”

“College student,” Akiteru said lightly, “Who needs a sleep schedule?” He laughed a little at Kei’s flat look. “Yeah, yeah, I’m going to bed too.” They went back upstairs together, Kei still holding the icepack to his face. Kei turned back to face him when he reached his door.

“Nii-chan.”

“Yeah?”

“I am working on it,” he said, half apology, half reassurance.

Akiteru smiled. “Goodnight, Kei.”

***

School the next day was terrible. Rumors flew about that first year from the volleyball team that got beat up for being gay. Opinions on the subject were varied, and Kei did his best to ignore them all. He didn’t need sympathy or pity, and he certainly didn’t need to draw attention from those who supported the ones who had attacked him.

He didn’t have to go very far out of his way to put off nosy classmates. He already had a reputation for being mean and scary. But he stuck closer to Yamaguchi than usual. He might have done it anyway, now that they were dating. But his motivation now was more along the lines of “back the fuck off, stop bothering him with your questions.” Communicated through glares. It seemed to work fairly well, and by the end of the day, rumor was also spreading that the whole volleyball team had vowed bloody vengeance against anyone who so much as looked at Tsukishima and Yamaguchi the wrong way, so they were left alone. Kei suspected Tanaka and Nishinoya were behind the exaggeration of the rumors, but he was surprised to learn at practice that Daichi had actually started them.

Maybe he shouldn’t have been so surprised though. Daichi was the captain, and questions about team members usually went to him. It wasn’t all that surprising that he would eventually snap. And he had a reputation for being scary when angered.

Tanaka and Nishinoya were at least partially responsible for the exaggeration though.

All of this made the next several days of school much more bearable, and Kei and Yamaguchi were both grateful, even if Yamaguchi was better at expressing it.

***

Kei still had trouble believing Yamaguchi was his boyfriend sometimes. Even when they were making out on Kei’s bed when they should have been doing homework, it seemed too good to be true. To be fair, it had only been a week.

A week of being Yamaguchi’s boyfriend after months (and unacknowledged years if he was really honest with himself, which he wasn’t) of pining. It was incredible, and Kei still wasn’t convinced he deserved it. He was getting there though.

“Tsukki,” Yamaguchi said, pulling away to look at him, “We really should get some work done, you know. We can’t just make out all day.”

Kei flopped backwards onto his pillows. “Ugh. Shut up, Yamaguchi.”

Yamaguchi laughed. “Make me, Tsukki.”

That was _really_ unfair, and definitely not conducive to homework. Kei reached up and yanked Yamaguchi down on top of him with an incredible lack of grace. Yamaguchi kept laughing, and Kei grabbed a pillow and shoved it in his face.

“Hey!” Yamaguchi said once he had wriggled out of the way. “Rude, Tsukki!”

“You told me to make you shut up,” Kei said innocently, “But I guess it didn’t work.”

“That’s not what I meant.” Yamaguchi frowned at him.

“I know,” Kei said, grinning.

Yamaguchi sighed but sat up again anyway. “Really though, Tsukki. We have to do homework. We can’t make it up this weekend. We have the tournament.”

“Fine.”

Reluctantly, they returned to work. “Tsukki,” Yamaguchi said fifteen minutes later, “You’re amazing.”

“What?” Kei looked up from his work, “What do you mean?”

“I mean you’re amazing. Thought you should know,” Yamaguchi said casually. Kei could feel himself turning red. “Can’t I tell my boyfriend he’s amazing without prompting?”

“Shut up, Yamaguchi,” Kei said, since it was apparently his knee-jerk fluster response.

Yamaguchi smiled at him angelically. “Never.”

***

The thing about bus rides, particularly bus rides to tournaments with the whole volleyball team, was that they sucked. They were crowded and stuffy and terrible, and Kei hated them. But he was prepared with his headphones and his fully charged ipod, and he could block out the noise around him fairly well. Mostly.

Kei didn’t notice his fingers twitching nervously until Yamaguchi laced his own fingers in between them. He looked up, and Yamaguchi gave him a small smile. Kei smiled back (or at least stopped frowning back) before turning to look out the window again.

He didn’t see Yamaguchi shoo Hinata away from bothering him or how Hinata’s eyes widened in understanding and he backed off completely to bother Kageyama instead. He didn’t see Tanaka and Noya glance back at him before they lowered their voices slightly. He _did_ notice when the bus stopped and Hinata got off to puke at the side of the road. It was disgusting, but it was also kind of nice to see the bus doors open again for a bit. He slowly lowered the volume on his ipod as they moved on. By the time they stopped for real, he had taken his headphones off entirely.

The stadium echoed with the sounds of players, coaches, and spectators yelling and running in every direction. But Kei didn’t mind very much. He listened to the sounds around him, Daichi’s laugh, Nishinoya’s and Tanaka’s excited shouting, Hinata and Kageyama’s bickering. Yamaguchi’s “Ready, Tsukki?”

“Yeah,” he said, “You?”

“I think so. Let’s do this.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. I can't believe I finished this. We are _so_ lucky I managed to pull off Plan A. Especially once it became too late for Plan B. We didn't want Plan C. Trust me. Though we did have plans through F.
> 
> Keep an eye out for side-stories and outtakes and possibly an alternate ending by my beta! We are ridiculous while editing this stuff. Our ridiculousness should be shared with the world. Maybe. If the world is ready for it.
> 
> Someone please talk to me about my hopefully-somewhat-effective headphones symbolism.  
> It's after midnight, my filter is gone.


End file.
